Teardrops that night

“When you look at me

I fake a smile so you don’t see

How I want and I need you

Everything that we can’t be”

We sit again in your living room

Drinks in hands, it’s such confusing times

We’re talking about the past

About women and men

How we’ve both healed

We both lied!

I wasn’t fine sitting on your floor looking up at you ... how could you not see that?

Or could you..

on comes a song by Taylor

I tell you I’ve just started really feeling her music .. her album Red was just released

And when I started playing it weeks before

It was as though she wrote half of it

Through me.. it was divine

You looked to your cds

And said to me - I have one of her songs

You began to look for this old CD

And when you found it you told me

The stories of your time as a soldier away

And how you longed to be home ..

I knew how that felt ..

and you told me about the day you found this CD in the marketplace.. and bought it

Took it back to camp and had the reminder of home. You were right ..

Taylor had a song on that CD

One I’d never heard before ..

it was track 18!

You played the music from track 1

Our Drinks are now finished and you come to me and kiss me softly ..

it was the beginning to our final ending ..

we both didn’t know it yet

No one could have known what was to play out.. my heart so Neave and tender

We’re now in your room

And we’re loosing all our clothes

The passion was always incredible with us

We always get so lost in the moments with each other ..

the kisses.. the soft fingertips..

the way our skin felt touching ..

how our breathing was always in sync

so many pleasurable moments

I think deep down I somehow knew this was the end. - the fire hadn’t lessened in our souls

Nor the ache for more .. especially not for me..

but the universe had other plans for us

My god you felt so beautiful

Climax and bathos echoed the silence we lay in. - it’s so peacefully perfect only for a Moment..

Then track 18 began - your fingertips holding mine while I lay on your arm

You look me over and tell me - this is the song I reckon ..

and she opens like this ..

“Drew looks at me ..

I fake a smile so he won’t see

That I want and I need him

Everything that we should be ..

I bet she’s beautiful that girl he talks about

And she’s got everything that I have to live without”

One minute in and I can barely breathe

I’m laying here thinking can you see

You could .. it was a moment I think we both wished we could erase !

She kept singing, and it damn near killed me.

Another twenty seconds go by and I can’t even hold the tears in - I thought I hid them well

Until you asked me if I was alright

We both knew I wasn’t.

These were the longest seconds

I mustered up all of my strength and dried my eyes and tried to smile and say yes ..

you knew with certainty now then I wasn’t ok!

But I barely even got that word out ..

I couldn’t - and she’s singing still

“He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar, the only one who’s got enough of me to break my heart ..

I got up, so fast it was almost shocking

I had to get out of there, i couldn’t breathe ,

I grabbed my clothes and rushed to your ensuite - not once looking back at you like all the times before ..

I close the door and fall to the bathroom floor

Crying as silently as I possibly can

I think you must have heard me ..

you got up and stopped the music

Then came back in the room..

Tears still falling , I dress myself ; never have I felt so vulnerable , so painfully destroyed

I wiped my face, looked in your mirror for the last time, holding the tears in - just one minute more I tell myself.. you’ll be outside and safe

Just one minute okay! I open the door, you weren’t fully dressed yet - I straightened my dress and grabbed my things. Looked into your eyes only for a second and I said goodnight ..

I think you knew to some degree

You could see I couldn’t wait any longer

You walked me to your door while you put on your shirt .. I couldn’t look at you again.

I knew if I had it would all pour out

And after everything, our story thus far

I couldn’t be that broken girl

I couldn’t be that memory that shudders your soul with painful discourse

There was enough of that already

Coincidentally I absolutely was her though

I walked straight outside.. looked up a little one last time as I walked out of your front door

Across the lawn to my car, again not looking back.. I knew you had gone in by now

I’m not sure if you were hurting too

Or just uncomfortable from my depleted tears

I hadn’t even opened my car door yet

But I was lament ..

With a deep breath I drive around the corner

And suddenly tears bursting Out

I’m gasping for air , hands hard over my heart

I stopped road side

And found that song on my phone

I played it - I had to absorb fully to understand the pain and curiosity got to me ..

tears upon tears flooding me

often I think of those moments and wonder what it must have felt like for you .. only a few metres away from your door but I’d never felt further apart from you ..

Something about that night changed me forever ... you swiftly moved on with your life’s next chapter and I was drowning.. and with that we were done.. you often crossed my mind for years to follow, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had ever crossed yours? As the years passed it got easier to think of you less

But that wound, she’s never recovered fully

That even 9 years later it makes my eyes water all over again and I feel this huge gaping hole in my chest .. Do you feel that hole when you touch my heartbeat now? I know you don’t really remember that night .. there are so many things from our time together then you have forgotten/lost In time and with life .. Not me though ..

they have haunted me ever since

And yet - here you stand before me .. and somehow you still feel like home..