Strength and Resilience

I was a small child growing up, physically

I was small, but it wasn’t an honest indication of my strength

I was bullied for it, I was pushed around, tripped and thrown down

I was in the middle of two horrible worlds

Both of them never allowing me a place to find refuge

Abuse at home, and abuse at school

I hated those bullies

However, I know this I'm not weak, not even close

I have immeasurable strength that those bullies will never posses

While they suffer, I find a reason to rise above

My true strength didn’t lie in my muscles

My true strength was my resilience

I've endured situations that I never thought I would survive

I even survived almost dying multiple times.

***

I spent many years of my adult life bodybuilding to feel and look strong on the outside

I drove myself to extremes, and my body paid the price

Much like most alcoholics, my life was one of extremes

For a time being the gym became my refuge, my church, my therapy

I could put all my pain into lifting the iron, and I saw the results of the work I put into it

It was the first time I saw my hard work pay off in increments

But during my addiction it didn’t matter

At the end of the day, I was still that weak and hurt child looking for his place in the world

I put on a mask of confidence; it was one of many masks I wore during my active addiction

Just like emotional scars, there are many scars I carry that can't be seen

Only felt from my days of extremes.

One of those scars was when I looked into the mirror and hated who I saw

My body dysmorphia still saw that weakling inside me

I was disgusted at him

I was never big enough

I was never strong enough

I never looked how I wanted

***

But I learned this

My body wasn’t the enemy my distorted thinking was

I'm learning what my true strengths are

Compassion, Empathy

Understanding, Kindness

I found my own strength inside me

I found my own self-worth again

Because I know my worth now

I know that my resilience is something they could never touch

They could never understand

Its mine alone