Boxed In By Fear

I learned at an early age that the world was never going to live up to my expectations

In my teenage years I learned that the world was a dark and lonely place

In adulthood I watched as the darkness snuffed out the light around me

All these things became my fears

They are some of my core fears

Never being good enough

Being alone

Dying alone in the darkness

They are all parts of the whole that is me

I missed out on countless opportunities

Relationships, and dreams

Because my fears were so loud

Bit by bit they overwhelmed me

They drove me to make decisions that weren't compatible with me life.

I tried to control everyone and everything around me

Because I feared people not living up to my expectations

I tried to control the situations I put myself in

Because I feared not living up to my own expectations

The more people failed to live up to my expectations the angrier I got

Yet I wanted more control

But it always backfired

Out of this need to control people arose codependency

Why couldn’t people act the way I wanted them to?

I dove into relationships because I feared being lonely

But I never felt happy and my gut instinct was always to leave

I didn’t just leave, I ran away, far away from anyone and anything

To me, I would never be good enough for them so why try?

My fear wanted me to believe this narrative

I let it consume me for years even though it was a lie

I never tried to question the choices I was making out of fear

I've learned now that my higher power calms those fears for me every day

Fear doesn’t exist in faith in that way

If you believe your higher power to truly be infinite then how could fear ever live up to that?

You see I placed myself into a box

I refused to go outside of it

Meanwhile my fears could continue to terrorize me

I was given a key

To open my box

Light enveloped my box

That had only known darkness

I had been freed

No more fear

No longer would I remain boxed

-Mack

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