Something Heavier Than Tears

She used to write me songs

Of relatability entwined

With appreciation and

Sprinkled with a little

Bit if magic

🎼

I found myself in the space

Between her arial typed words

More than I ever did

In amongst my own

Handwritten scrawl

🎼

I watched her pluck

The strings of her guitar

As if they were sutures

And the melody they made

Was the beating of

A freshly repaired heart

(My heart)

🎼

I swallowed the music

Like it was medicine

And stupidly thought

She’ll stay

She saved me

So she’ll stay

🎼

(She didn’t)

🎼

Our friendship was

Rock climbing

Challenging and

Fuelled with adrenaline but with

A perpetually pretty view

🎼

Towards the end

Our hands kept slipping

Our grips loosening

Like a slipknot

And then she let go

It was as abrupt as if

Someone had pushed her

But nobody was close enough to

(Except for me)

And I swear I needed her

Too much to ever let her fall

(Unless she chose to)

🎼

I was clinging to the surface

Staring out at a view

That was worlds away

Elusive as love

Unattainable as friendship

🎼

I looked for her

Scouring the ground

Expecting to find her

Broken at the bottom

Of the cliff

(As breathless as I felt)

🎼

But when I caught a glimpse of her

She was smiling at

The top of a mountain

Hands raised and

Fingertips brushing the clouds

Eyes lit up with starlight

🎼

I am still clinging

To the side of a cliff

Hands bleeding

Palms raw

Limbs shaking

Eyes filled with something

Heavier than tears and

More harrowing than numbness

🎼

I am still clinging to our friendship

Like it is a hospital room

A lifeline, a prayer

Because to me it was

(To me it was salvation)

🎼

She disappeared like

A cruel magic trick but

The memories slowly

Blew away like smoke

Billowing from a chimney

Leaving the warmth

Of a fireplace and

Venturing into the

Snowflake serenaded sky

🎼

The memories are still

Trickling away now

Water over pebbles in

An almost dried up stream

But when the flashbacks come

They are a fist to the gut

They wrench at my heartstrings

Like waves surging for the shore

🎼

She used to write

Inscriptions in my books

And now I stumble across them

Like one might discover

Blood leading to a crime scene

I run my fingers over

The pages' indents and

Wonder if she finds

Reminders of me like

I find wraiths of her

🎼

I close my eyes

And search for

Some kind of epiphany

Why would she let go of me

When she said I was what

Held her together?

🎼

But life is not a movie

And we were not forever

And closure is no more

Guaranteed than

Happiness is

🎼

But just in case

You’re searching for it too

I hope you find a

Perpetually pretty view

That you can reach

And hold and cradle

And I wish for you

To find someone

Who plays you songs

On their guitar

(And stays)

Even after

They’ve saved you