Slow

I am treacle

thick

gelatinous

sluggish

slimy

slow

everything is moving

too

fast

and not fast enough

night and then day and

then night and then night

so much effort

sloth

slovenly

slow

I will not move unless

it is worth it

cleaning my spoons

is too hard

cleaning my thoughts

is too scary

moving my mouth

to talk and smile

and my eyes to

look and see

to make people think that I am a real girl

I am not real

I am not here

I am far far behind

because I am

slow

my memory is failing

my lungs are heaving

my bones are slicing

my brain is BELLOWING

too loud too loud

but it is all that I hear

biting, crunching, gnawing

gnashing, spitting, screaming

I should die

I should hurt

I should hate

I should rip my hair out

I should peel my skin away

I should pulverise my bones

I should tear off my nails

and it will never be enough

to satisfy that constant

loitering

festering

feeling

of fear and loathing

that I have for myself

my ribs ache from

the wracking sobs

my arms burn from

the rabid scratching

my eyes sting from

those traitorous tears

water

and blood

and i can’t sleep

I can never sleep

there is no rest

for the wicked

and i can’t speak out

because my throat is hoarse

from screams I never scream

I can’t go and get help

because my body won’t move

from my hollow shell

I can’t think Positive Thoughts

because i don’t have any

because i am thick

I am nothing

I am not real

I am slow

I can’t do what i love

Because i do this when i’m screaming inside

these pills that are keeping me alive

are slowly killing me inside

I don’t want them

but i crave them

for a moment

of nothing

of continuing

of stopping

I don’t want these scars

but i need them

I am nothing without my pills

but i am everything with my sickness

I am told i am loved

I am cared for

I am given outs

because i hate being alive

and my

slow

brain tells me that it’s all

a ruse

but it is not hard to see

why they say

that we are attention seekers

because i am

and i am caught between

the rope and

the cliff

because this is hell

and it is pain and agony

and no one should feel like this

except for me

because i deserve it

because

I am

slow