Sex on a Budget: Love and Other things I Can't Afford

Warning: This Poem is not Meant to be Read, but Consumed

This poem is about food

and

Sex

and

Drugs

or:

all the things I would become addicted to if I had time and money

You feed me in French

all this les poisson passion

I’m not biting

cause the last time I was on your hook

I thought I tasted gold

it was just the sour lemons

you were trying to spin me

And I’ve seen the girls you’ve got on your spinning wheel these days

Rapunzel’s blonde

lock-

ed

in a tower

I bet you look so radiant

climbing

down

her slender back

to basics:

I know she’s spun you

all the good drugs

your bodies bending together on benzos

YOU’RE SO BLESSED

it’s beautiful

how all these girls look like sheets

strung out to dry

Well we haven’t spoken much

these days

so

you should know

I’m so high on how to be a lady

I keep spare

etiquette

in my back pocket

tell all the boys

raise your expectations as high as you want

I’ll surpass them till they are cracks in the motherfucking sidewalk

keep mine low in return

so you can step right on ’em

break a back

To basics

See

all this sex

is subtext

it implies attraction

I remember when we were main

squeezing

the life

out of each other

I’d be making faces at you while you sleep

you couldn’t discern from your snores

so it won’t matter if this face

is frowning at you from a distance

paramount to a diameter

cause you were always sleeping so subtle

undercovers where we

fornicated fore

you passed out from all the drugs

See

all this sex

is science

and you’re just playing with my

Chemistry

Well that’s the inevitability of desirability

beauty meets beast

and all my anecdotes become incidental.

99 % of my adult life has been lived in a language I don’t speak

tripping on

tongues

like they’re transient

I take all the things you say in one ear

switch the pronouns

and it’s out the other

under

oath

Intimacy is a vow that ends in

til death do us

PRIVATE

part (s)

of me

see

that as God’s go

I translate to the destruction

so I can’t expect this feast to feed much more

than our egos.

But

honey

I’m a sucker for the sweet things

saccharine sentiment

guess you could be the sprinkles on my Sunday

dinner

party

dress-

ed

to kill

I guess it makes sense to dine and ditch

before dessert

when

gastronomically speaking

I’m gluttonous

for good loving

and a little

gateau

still

I’d like to keep my head in this matter

LET THEM

boys

EAT CAKE

*********************************

First Time

The first drug I ever did was heroin.

The rapper sat across from me.

He was on the phone.

He motioned for me to wait for him.

Fernie lit it.

He worked for Wells Fargo.

Fernie was a nickname.

He was the same one that carried me to the couch.

Passed out and anorexic.

When I went down my very small tits were exposed.

They could not call for help only helpings.

That man that lit the fire

he saved me;

and I wonder,

to this day,

if he is alive.

*********************************

Hunting Season

I watched a grown man

shoot a bird

and then sob

because it couldn’t fly

we sat in silence

the entire car

ride

home

I ask too many questions

I tell too many tales

he said my name in the exhausting way

one speaks to a child

as if to say

not one

more

word

just

stop

I want to ask him things

I know

he’ll never answer

are you scared?

because I am

even air

is

toxic

these days

I think we shared something

the moment

that bird fell from the sky

a kind of

mourning

for every action

we’ve taken

we’re just killing ourselves

slowly

and now all at once

upon a time

I used to think I could make any man love me

so pluck my

feathers

until I’m bare

flesh

boned

and suck my marrow

until I’m dead ass

stoned

there’s no cure for dying

it just takes one shot

there’s a fear of flying

but that’s all I’ve got

*********************************

Life by Numbers

3.

pregnancies

2 living

1 dead

2.

years old

our daughter was

when your girlfriend graduated from high school

1.

cancer scare

2 procedures

3 levels of dysplasia

0.

times I’ve been divorced

married

arrested

*********************************

Vital Signs

At the doctor

Blood Pressure: 95/63

Do you normally run low

Lady

I run so low

I run solo

Weight: 122

You’ve lost quite a bit of weight

Lady

I don’t eat

unless it’s my feelings

I don’t eat

unless it’s my words

Pulse: 77

Well, lady

That was a good year

guess only my thoughts are racing

He trimmed the fat

said he’s better off without me

Well, there’s truth in that

Cause it’s $169 for therapy

don’t even get wined

or dined

It’s three easy payments

of 19.99

to get to me

Don’t have a warranty

just

return

policies

*********************************

(L (p x f) + C (t x s)) - (P x A)

Things I’ve lost:

my mind

my figure

that one

sock

Those

Miu Miu glasses

Well:

I gave good face

once

I focus on that damn sock:

lost in tangled bedsheets

like the thoughts

on my tired

tongue

Gone to the dryer

in heat

like myself:

We are both too strung up

to dry

Every time I think I’ve

Found

the right words

I’m overextended on the metaphors:

I become a meta whore

Well:

Losing your life is a sure path to

Sainthood

Finding a penny’s

A sure sign to do good

And lost socks sit silently

Wherever they go:

Warm heart

Cold feet

with nothing to show

*********************************

Heartbreak Haiku

I haven’t shaved since the last time we were fucking

call it mourning bush

*********************************

Waiting for the Recourse While I Consume Four Courses -or- In Which Gretchen and I go out for Lunch and Encounter a Mean Woman

Today I sat

head of the table

Lunching

on some conversation

par for the porridge

I was

goldilocksing

my motivation

to make mistakes

clockwise

or counter

cause I’ve never met a man

I couldn’t convince myself

I loved

one feels too hot

one burns too cold

and this one is

just right

testing for the taste

smells like rose

bud

ing romance

til it’s time to put the fork

down

ate my own words

now I

wait

for the recourse

cause love is best chewed

before swallowed

take it down deep

girl

cause it’s gonna come out out

shit

on

second helpings

sloppy timing

for such a

sweet thing

well

you said a little heartbreak never hurt anyone

unless it was an attack

of the myocardial

degree

an infarction

infracted

from the social norms

your talk is cheap

and pretty girls

make the best

conversation

fodder for your

feature

broke in

bedded down

ate my way through the meal

til I was quickly your rumor

mill

ed

about

this milieu

put YOUR fork down

eat YOUR words

judge a girl by her cover

read her book backward

start with my last line

up

go

tit for

tattoo

cause lady, I’m just trying to dine

here

and you think you can shame me?

starved for attention

or binging on

bad feelings

you bit off more than you could chew

now give me this metaphor

so I can swallow it down

lick my lips

to taste

how sweet it is

**********************

The Migratory Patterns of a Rare Bird

A fixed-winged aircraft generates

forward thrust

when air is pushed in the direction

opposite

to flight.

I can’t fly

I have come

to

expect nothing.

fixing landmarks

hip width

flex and forage

Head

East.

always toward water

where thirsts are quenched.

Currently

I’m on a current

It could lead me to you.

or break me down

faster than the fear of this cold climate

I’m a Rare Bird

\

The instinct for the flight

I only aim to move forward.

all good formations

Flock in

V

I crane my neck

flee for foothills

The wind carries my sigh

I throw down dirt

for miles.

*****************************

If I Were a Poet-Tree, I’d be a Weeping Willow

Sister said,

“You’re nothing but a man-eater”

And I chewed on that

Long and hard

Cause diets

are a girl’s best friend

and my secret to satiation is that

I’m always consuming

being eaten

alive.

Ingredients for how to start me simmering?

Shit,

I like grammar rules

And long division

So boy

put your

Eyes

Before

Ease

Except after

See

all

you’re looking for is someone

To fill the intercostal voids

Where women were made from

RIBBED

meat

FOR YOUR PLEASURE

modern-day romance

Is all but dead

So sorry to snitch

On this sad

situation

snatch

what’s being sought

with a loosening of these laurels

while we debase our morals

Together

we’re a train wreck

On a fast feeding frenzy

Combating alone time with

addictions

No, I never did depend on alcohol

But your attention

is 80 proof

Positive

That I’m better off

Alone

I’m a woman

Of dark hair

Pale skin

colored

In the lines

So that puts me on the edge of VANITY

FAIR

To say if this were a string

I’d be dangling

on the precipice of your vowels

at the peak of your syllables

It’s an I

And a U

And a sometimes

Why

Questions seem concerning to me

So I think I’ll raise my voice

An octave above object

ification

hum these chords

through the phone cord

through the dime store

through the point where

what matters most is knowing

time is temporary

and I put a memory of you on my wrist

watch

the minutes tick into hours

these second hands sound silly

but for every sixty

I’m settling

My stomach

Ache

It was great

But I’m full on

Full frontal

and I’m French

so

j’ai faim

I.

Have.

Hunger.

For the human nature necessities

to

Eat

Drink

Man

Woman

It’s the BOOK OF RITES

My right

To consume

And assume

You,

Sister,

Presumed

wrong