Sew Against the Beast Below

Is she alive or is she dead?

She screams... for she does not know.

Her heart and soul are full of dread;

to heal... she must learn to sew.

*

There’s a Beast, or so she’s read;

a beast who dwells in the dark below.

It eats you like you’re made of bread,

then spits you into hell, tossing to and fro.

*

She's blinded now, can’t see ahead,

shivering in fear colder than snow.

If only she could dream instead,

but to that, the vile Beast says no.

*

So she takes the needle and the thread

and painfully, the stitches start to flow.

Across her skin they slowly spread,

to hide the wounds she must not show.

*

To this Beast, she won’t be wed,

lest a curse upon her it bestow.

She must resist or end up bled;

let the needle tell the tale of her woe...

*

A stitch for all the words unsaid;

a stitch for those who’d dim her glow;

a stitch to camouflage the red;

a stitch for places she’d never get to go.

*

Her body is weary, heavy as lead

and her soul cries to fly with the crow.

If only she could rest her head,

to escape the Beast that dwells below.

*

Thank you so much for reading! I wrote this poem to depict the struggle of living with mental illness. The idea first came to me in the form of the image I've used as the cover photo. It is a drawing that represents the two sides of me; the side that plays pretend and the side of me that is dying inside, held together by carefully placed, painful stitches.

So often we are forced to play pretend, to put on the outward appearance that everything is fine because no one wants to hear about our pain or our problems. We're just supposed to stitch on a smile, like the Joker, and hide how we really feel on the inside. Even we do decide to say something, we say it like it's a joke... "yeh my anxiety has been shit. Haven't been able to leave the house for days hahaha..." Why? Why do we do feel the need to do this? Because there is still so much judgement and stigma surrounding mental illness, and we don't want that put onto us. This is why it is so important to raise awareness on the subject; and why it is so important to just be kind. We never know what battles people might be hiding behind their stitched on smiles. Battling mental illness is exhausting enough and having to put on an act just makes it even more so.

This poem pretty much sums up my experience with mental illness. I suffer from anxiety, depression, PTSD and panic disorder; and it's a nightmare. Sometimes I feel like I'm a dead thing that has been turned into a puppet and forced to keep playing in the game of life. I'm so exhausted. All I want to do is sleep. Unfortunately, more than I'd like to admit, my anxiety and panic disorder have prevented me from doing so many things and I feel like each time I miss out on something, it slices a new wound into my heart and I have to stitch it back up or I won't survive the next blow. At this point, I'm a veritable tapestry. But the thread is fraying and the colours are fading. It's not a pretty picture.

Still, I know I can't give up. If I give up, the Beast wins. All I need to do is figure out how to beat the Beast into submission. Then I stop and think, maybe it's not about beating it into submission. Maybe it's about listening to it, accepting that it is a part of me, and treating it with the type of kindness I'd like to receive. Maybe the Beast is like a scared little kid throwing a tantrum because no one will listen.

Honestly, I don't know. I'm just speculating. Overthinking is one of my best talents, after all. But the point is this; be kind to yourself and be kind to others. Know that it is okay to not be okay at times and don't let society pressure you into playing pretend. The people who matter won't mind that you need help, or that you need some alone time with your Beast. And the people that do mind, well, they still matter too, but their opinion of you doesn't. If you are doing the best you can, that is all that anyone can ask of you.

With love and understanding,

Chan xx