September

September washes over me

like a riptide —

pulling me down,

dragging me out

into a vast sea of sorrows,

far away from

the safety of shore.

—

It is a month of loss.

The days grow shorter

as they lose light

by the minute.

The anniversary

of a national tragedy

is preceded by

the anniversaries of two,

more personal, losses.

A cousin. An uncle.

Their deaths, their suicides,

still harrow my heart.

—

As I remember them,

grief turns my mind

to memories of friends

who also died by suicide.

I weep for them

with a faint glimmer

of understanding.

—

I have spent nights

smothering my sobs

with my pillow,

feeling as if

the only way

my heart could

cease hurting was

if it stopped beating,

and begging God

to make it stop.

—

It is only

because of God

working in my life,

through Bible study,

friends, family, therapists,

medications and prayer

that I'm still here.