Self loathing

You know the feeling you get when you've had one to many drinks? you get light headed, and the room starts to spin. Well that's what my life feels like. Spinning completely out of control. as if the sun is missing from my galaxy. The pieces of my life are in disarray. And, I find myself hurtling through space. Falling a thousand miles an hour, I shatter from the pressure of oblivion. Bottom after bottom, face first I collide with the cold welcoming concrete. Time after time, I lose myself trying to hold on to what was. I black out and break. The idea that my world could ever end, left me...open and raw. I find the blade at my neck, but I had made the first cut. Now I flail desperately, hoping to put back what is spilling away. Life. That precious life, is on my hands. Hoping for a reprieve from despair and insanity. The never ending pain this cycle brings. When does it end? Why me? There is no, "rock bottom" I came to understand. Only more misery, more pain, more of the gut wrenching nothingness that consumes my life. I'm weak, weakened by that which I let to go unseen and unchecked...No, I've allowed myself to grow weak. Gritting my teeth I hit another floor and pass through. Oh! Blessed pain! Maybe, I deserve this...to be battered and broken. Forced to face myself, and what I see, isn't me. It's a flailed and tortured man and I'm holding the cane, no sugar. Breaking this man down has been my greatest accomplishment. Day after day, minute after minute, second after everloving second, I've flogged this man for his insecurities and deepened them. Poured salt in his wounds. Sewed his mouth shut. Isolated him from everyone. Denied even his screams. Eventually, he stopped moving...And, just stared at the encroaching inevitability of another bottom. I pound against the confines of my cage. Taken in by hatred, locked up by fear. Driven to insanity by what I can no longer taste, feel, and hear. And, by that which guides me, my light and hope has also, failed me...I am now...Senseless. I've come to realize, that's me! I'll probably always struggle in the process of creating a better self. Someone who is not so…indecisive, timid, and worried about what others think. This is the dark-side of me (lol, as if there was a light side). The epitome of my soul. It screams for change And claws at the cage. An eagle with clipped wings, Who hasn't given up on the sky.