Ripe Pair of Melons

A middle-aged lass from St Helens

Had the towns plumpest pair of melons

She howled in disdain

When left out in the rain

They were pinched by a couple of felons

***

Her muddle-brained man none too nice

Big Dick with a plan quite precise

I will sniff out those mutts

And hang both of those nuts

Then crack the dangling pair in a vice

***

The lass was enthralled by his plan

Richard her muddle-brained man

The felons would be toast

A pair of nuts for the roast

And a long cramped stretch in the can

***

Please Richard don’t shoot off too quick

Think long and hard my brave Dick

Loosen your load

Before you explode

The thought you might blow makes me sick

***

In the no time Dick had both of the felons

Light-fingers that pinched both her melons

Nuts thumped, bagged and tied

For a long stretch inside

Her melons were not ripe for sellin’

***

So Richard was no week tree-elf

With the melons safe on her front shelf

She had them polished and packed

So ripe, plump and racked

He lovingly pinched them himself

The Failed Poet - February 2021

Tim StiX is The Sober Bard and The Failed Poet on Vocal.