Remember

This is inspired by the following prompt provided by David Denborough (Retelling the Stories of our Lives), shared on dreamerswriting.com: "Write yourself a letter...Include a message to yourself at the time you underwent trauma. What would you say to yourself if you had the chance?"

Now, my life has not necessarily been filled with traumatic moments. It had it's numerous ups that I will always be grateful for, especially since I may not be here to write this without some of those moments. However, there is many moments I could have chosen to follow this prompt, but this one hit the hardest. If there's one event in my life I had all of the ability to end myself, this one is it, but I didn't. I put myself through that. That doesn't make what happened my fault, but it's an event of trauma I had control over, in some capacity.

To my past self, I hope we forgive ourselves someday, and I know you'll find somebody who actually wants you just as you are, flaws and all. I can't change your decisions, but I can tell you it's all going to be ok. We're going to be ok. <3

I can't say I'm sorry enough,

because we didn't deserve that.

But at the same time,

we couldn't have known, right?

How the bridges would burn,

the toll the fires would take?

If I had known what would become,

I would beg of you to put down the phone.

Delete the message,

Hell block the number if you must.

Avoid his lingering gazes in the hallway,

his soft smile across the classroom.

Do anything but do not say that word,

because that word unlocks the door,

let's him in,

and sets the bridges ablaze, so I beg you

please put down the phone!

…but it cannot be stopped.

I wish I could say it was for the better,

that your battles will not be in vain,

but the very least I can do

is make sure you do not enter a warzone blindly.

So remember

when he tells you he loves you,

he loves the idea of you.

The image you give him,

the feeling that image provides.

You are nothing more than a pawn on his chessboard,

waiting to be overtaken by the queen.

Remember

that his "forever" is temporary.

That always only means when it's convenient for him.

When they don't let you forget,

remember.

When they hold your darkened past overhead,

remember that from those shadows,

you grew into light.

That from those flames grew a mighty phoenix.

When he breaks your heart,

and I'm sorry to say he will,

pick up your pieces, darling,

and grab a glue gun.

Staple yourself together, I do not care,

but never dare allow him

to bring you back to those dark ages.

Remember when he calls you her name,

says you remind him of her,

that he is simply using you to get something

he couldn't fool another women into giving him.

Remember when he calls you a crazy bitch,

that "crazy bitch" simply translates to

you called out his poor behavior

and he did not like it.

You are not wrong, my dear.

You are not being silly.

He is in the wrong,

but know that he will never acknowledge so.

Know that loving him was not a crime.

Know that you gave him something

a true man will someday go crazy for,

that a true man will appreciate.

Know that that man will apologize when he's wrong,

he will sit down and talk when you upset him,

instead of starting a fight or ignoring you

until you fix his problems again.

I am sorry I could not say "no".

I am sorry I put you through it all.

I am sorry I went back.

I am sorry that it took you years

to put back the pieces,

while he found a new pawn in months.

I am sorry that we protected his reputation

by staying silent.

I promise,

that no boy will ever silence us again.