Reckless Beginnings

Your name was starting to pop off my tongue in causal converstaions, relating something to you based off my recent evaluations, I kept it all quiet at first, maybe for the best only a few poeple knew because now I feel hurt. A end to a reckless beginning I suppose, I feel careless that anyone knows, Because since I was involved with you, I feel utterly exposed and cheap. I know this is on me, but it hurts, it hurts because to me it mattered, because all that flattery that soaked into my skin, feels pretend. Feels like maybe I read you wrong, or I was clouded by my own wants, But now I question if it was worth my cost. You tell me you still had a great time, that saying that makes everything in my mind seem fine, you probably even feel bad about it, without understanding my cause and effect. A day ago I was amazed with your understanding about my processing after our actions, you asked me if I wanted to talk about it, then joined me to sit. I never told you what I was processing, why I needed air after our thing, but its because of situations like these, I let myself feeling with the power of belief, I know how this person will treat me, That the kiss meant something to you, That the intamacy drew you closer too. I know our life dont line up and honestly we probably dont event belong, but if I wonder if I knew how it ended, if I would go back through all of it. Because you seemed so great, And the meeting you all that time ago seemed a little like fate, maybe it still could be. But letting myself being mentally and physically close to you, then being second place, feels like a fucked up way to continue being mates.