I sit in silence
in a house that's not mine
and listen to the knocking
of my ghosts who followed me here
in the next room
only my walls up to protect me
from how I feel when they're around
I see them in the reflection
of every mirror and screen
hiding in every closet and dark room
I feel them, invisible but tense
thought I lost them when I left
the house that haunts me still
when I was young and afraid
in my room, in the shadows
and my pain made them appear
every night when I stared at the ceiling
and listened for any hint of what
I didn't want to be there.
Love confused with hate
sadness received with anger
emotion rebutted with arrogance
hope crushed with words that hurt more
than being pulled apart limb by limb
"I love you" does not mean "I own you"
"I hate you" does not go away
it takes tenfold kindness
and can't be undone
even by years
I don't forgive because it'd okay
but for myself
to get over the mountains
held over me
to crush and choke me
and make me breathe through
the straw that is hope
taking even longer to drown
than I ever thought.
I've never had someone
without them having a grip
holding me too tight
my bruises spread
but no one sees them
the scars that I've been left with
they build up
brick by brick
until I have the highest walls
to protect myself
because no one else can do it
everyone tries to tear them down
like I'm not already broken
an open book with a fucked up spine
and missing pages
my words don't make sense to
those who have always been
handled with care
they try, but it's not fair to anyone
my walls just end up collapsing
and my words are never understood
and I keep ripping myself apart
brick by brick
and page by page.
I don't want to be here or there
but anywhere else gives me hope
that one day I will be
in a home with light
and love and loyalty
with no fear or suffering
not wanting to not wake up
in the morning
okay with just being
and no longer wishing I was
"in a better place"
had a brand new mindset
but living it
satisfied with all I've done but
still reaching for more
both hands in the jar
not to be denied or shamed
but to be lifted up and freed
to do what I am meant to
to realize purpose and peace.
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