Prison Cell Eyes

I drown in an unending pool of tears

Just below the surface of the eyes I have barred up like a prison cell.

I suffocate on my own screams,

Desperately clutching at the bars,

Craving a moment of peace from my despair.

I destroy my own mind in my attempts to break free,

There is no escape from this psychological prison

That I have constructed for myself.

I grow wearier every day

Resisting the demons that desperately want to destroy me

I will laugh and joke and make others smile.

As my face wrinkles with age,

My smile lines will be my defining features

When I am thought of,

I am only remembered by my smile.

My happiness is all I allow to shine through

This overwhelming darkness.

But it’s these eyes.

They could deceive me at any moment

All it takes is one single person.

A single person that might see through these smiles,

The one that will look into my eyes and see the truth.

What once were mighty lakes of blue gleaming inside my skull,

Are now fading into a lonely sky of gray before a rainstorm.

I am saddled with the burdensome task of

Keeping these unbearable clouds from pouring down

allowing my true inner self to burst for all to see.

I am courageous and devoted and compassionate

And I will forever have a smile on my face.

This is the part of my soul I will allow others to experience.

I will ensure the demons I hold hostage

Behind my faded, prison cell eyes never make an appearance.

This is what I want.

I need this.

I want this.

Do I want this?

Is that to be my life from now until always?

Cowering behind a façade?

Nothing but masks of laughs and smiles?

Yes.

This is what I must do.

Until the right person can see my true self.

Look into my eyes and just notice.

Convince me that my demons are to be embraced

Rather than feared.

How tremendous it would be

To not hide the other half of myself.

But who’s to say that day will ever come?

Until then, I will continue on as I have.

I will bathe in the salt water oceans with no escape

For however long I must,

Until someone comes along

With the keys to my cell.

Until then. Until that day. I will carry on.