Powerless in my own world

I've been through a lot of ups and downs so far in my life. Been invisible in school and over the top loud in work. Many years spent at home in my bed instead of out or at school. A typical 'emo' teen - but without the stereotypical image... I spent a lot of time alone in my teenage years and it got me contemplating a lot of things. When I was a little kid I was boisterous and loud and I always got in trouble for it. After a while I started feeling like I was a real problem for my family, teachers and classmates. So, when I started secondary school I slowly adapted my personality and kept in all the energy and childishness. As a result I spent many years feeling alone and ignored - feeling invisible. I obviously had friends and family that loved me. But how I felt inside never matched up with the world around me - my world. My perception of my own world experience was so different from what it should have been looking back now. I wrote this poem a couple of years ago when trying to get out of that teenage mindset. This is the result of my struggles -

How did I become myself?

When I was younger, I had a lot of different traits to what I do now. When I went through puberty I decided I didn't like those traits. I spent a lot of years trying to change them. Some I managed to alter in a way and others I couldn't change at all.

I knew that some of the unchangeable traits were ones which meant I would grow to accept them because of the definition of those traits. I have learned to live with those traits now. I have accepted those traits which I would have classed as 'faulty' at a younger age.

Now I also have traits which I am unhappy about. In some ways, I wish I hadn't changed at all. I wonder why I like the things I do and have the dreams I do and feel the things I feel about myself and my world. I am the owner of this world.

I wonder how I ended up with so much power but still feel powerless. I am existing in my own world. I am both free and powerless in my own world.