Poison

Something poisonous is rushing through my veins and pumping its way to my heart. Its affecting everything I do. My writing. My words. My thoughts. My music. My day to day. Now that feeling is killing me slowly and I can feel those parts of me dying off.

I can't write anymore. Every time I pick up my pen, I'm brought back to that night. The two of us in my room on my bed. My arm around you, and your body against me. Laughing and smiling as I wrote a story... that's the same night you told me "I love you back"... watching Atlantis. Now that memory brings a pain to my heart because I look over and you're not there. All I can see are phantoms of what once was now.

I don't want to speak anymore. I find it hard to talk when I'm focused on not breaking down. Besides if I stay quiet you cant hear the way my voice breaks when I miss you. That saves us both some pain.

I try not to think, but my thoughts are always screaming at me. They scream your name. They scream with your voice, and I can't take it anymore. I won't ever forget what you sound like. The little girl voice you use when you think I'm judging you for something. The way you said I missed you as your arms wrap around my neck. The way we would say I really like you to each other when "I love you" seemed too fast. The way I couldn't form sentences when looking at you so I always said nothing when you said what.

My music reminds me of you too... whether its good or bad. From songs and bands you showed me to songs that make me think of you. I don't want it to. Now my music makes me want to cry.

Crying was never something I did. And its not something I do. But here we are. Tears meeting paper and smudging the pen ink. This poison hurts, but I don't want it to go. Because I don't want you to go. This poison hurts, not because its poison. But because its love.