Pen to Pen

I sit in the office, headphones on

Sun shining in through the window next to my desk- peaceful

My goofy dog, Penny at my feet

God, she can be a pain in my ass

But she'll never fail to make me smile when I need it most

She sleeps on our full-size mattress with us at night

By choice, we bend and curl around her to ensure she is comfortable

I wake up sore and with kinks in my neck, but it’s worth it

Each morning I pretend not to notice her creeping up to the head of the bed until she is laying with her big head resting on my pillow beside me

She sighs loudly in my ear over and over again until I am up

Sometimes I can’t decide who’s funnier, my rambunctious E.S.A., or my partner

I promise it’s a complement to be compared to my dog

Emily has some kind of magic about her

It’s like she can take me out of my anxiety and trance-like state at any moment it becomes too much

When being it in together isn’t helpful anymore

She’ll look at me, demand attention in the sweetest pull into her eyes, takes my hand, and never fails to know what to say

These moments make me hyper-aware of how lucky I am

These golden threads of comfort can feel very distanced from one another as I deserve a gold medal in being the most anxious person alive

But that makes the momentary relief more meaningful

I don’t feel comfortable often or in places where most other people will find it

Like in the tub surrounded by beautifully lit, wonderfully scented candles

Trauma has a way of tainting things that you’d never think of otherwise

So here, I sit at my desk as the sun sets out the window

Listening to music

Doing what I do best and I take in all of the beauty in this moment