Overcoming

My brain has been yelling at me a lot more lately

“You don’t deserve that”

“You’re so vain to even think about wanting that”

“You have clothes already”

And I do.

It’s just most of them have holes, or don’t fit, or I just honestly hate them and hate the way I look in them

And then there are things I just don’t have.

A coat

A belt

Simple things really

So many simple things

Cause poverty takes even these simple things away

And now I don’t have to worry about that

But those thoughts and limitations are still there.

I want to look pretty and feel pretty and feel all those good things. And that’s not possible in my deep pandemic gained-weight closet full of disappointment.

But I can’t ask

Even know I know the money is there

And he would delight in spending it on me

But the asking is abject terror

Because it requires me to admit wanting.

It requires me waiting more than just something to keep my pants up.

I’m still not sure I have the ability to do that.