Opaque Magic

They say life is all about the little magical moments,

but I haven't felt a magical moment in what seems like years.

I fell in love once,

but my heart was quickly broken.

I've made many friends,

but they've all left

or proven they never knew me at all.

I missed my senior prom

And spent the night alone on the sofa,

A pint of ice cream in hand and my eyes glued to the television set.

I ignore texts from people who want to talk with me

and delete emails offering once-in-a-lifetime opportunities.

I want to live like this,

relishing in the relaxation

and not giving a damn about going out on the weekends.

But I miss the days when I felt.

The Friday night football games where the lit field felt so beautiful and unreal.

The adventures with my friends when I felt like we would keep in touch forever.

The nights when I couldn't fall asleep because I was so thrilled to be able to live and see the next day.

Even when it hurt,

it was something.

Even when I was falling apart

from a broken heart

or shattered trust,

I felt alive.

It was addictive.

If I could,

I'd shove an IV in my arm,

and the bag attached would be bursting with those feelings.

I don't want to live

going through the motions.

I don't want to live

bored and jaded.

I want

excitement,

adventure,

love.

But I'm tired.

How can you live a life,

let alone a life worth living,

when just existing day after day takes all you have?