One Year and Counting?

I don't self harm anymore

but I still pick at my lips, hangnails, scars, bug bites...

anything to feel the tear of flesh.

I don't self harm anymore

but I still make myself sick

and refuse the medicine I know can help me.

I don't self harm anymore

but I still stand in the shower

slowly turning up the heat as my skin sizzles

and steam fills my lungs til I feel like I can't breathe-

I don't want to breathe.

I don't self harm anymore

but I still get hauled away from steep cliffs and over bridges

by loved ones who can probably tell

I look ready to tip right off the edge.

I don't self harm anymore

but I still sleep thirteen hours at a time

because I cannot stand to be conscious.

I don't self harm anymore

but I walk in front of oncoming traffic, genuinely indifferent

about whether they hit the brakes or not.

I don't self harm anymore

so maybe I don't want to end my life,

but I don't think I have the will to save it either