Old Guinea's Guinea Problem

Once upon a time there was a royal family.

We rappin’ bout these guinea pigs that’s how it’s gonna be.

In the land of Old Guinea, the guinea pigs roam.

But for the Guinea Royal family, there was evil in their home.

It was a humble royal family in the palace Guinealot,

A king, a queen, two daughters, they were a happy lot.

Nothing ever wrong in their castle or in their land.

The citizens of Old Guinea never saw anything unplanned.

But one dark and evil day, one of the daughters had a scheme.

I guess she was an evil daughter, nobody could ever dream!

Jealous of her sister, marrying Guinea Charming in the fall.

She ambushed her sister and won, it was an all out brawl.

Old Guinea’s got a guinea problem, gimme all the deets.

The guinea legend of the ages, and we put it all to beats.

Evil princess sister is a sinner and she’s come up with a scheme.

Every little guinea pig lets out a little scream. (guinea pig screams!)

The evil guinea sister hid her sister far away,

In a castle dark and gloomy, it was a miserable place to stay.

Surrounded by a moat with a vicious guinea shark (guinea pig screams!)

And no, though predictable, this could not be played on Hallmark.

The king and queen of the royal house of Guinea,

Sent out their bestest guards with a royal decree.

But one by one the guinea guards made their returns.

But the location of the princess, nobody learns.

Old Guinea’s got a guinea problem, gimme all the deets.

The guinea legend of the ages, and we put it all to beats.

Evil princess sister is a sinner and she’s come up with a scheme.

Every little guinea pig lets out a little scream. (guinea pig screams!)

Of course, guinea princess can’t remain a damsel in distress.

There has to be some courageous knight to clean up all this mess.

In utter despair, the guineas of Old Guinea hang their Guinea heads.

Giving up, the Guineas presume their Guinea princess dead.

But then…

“Guardian Guinea Pig is my name,

You might think that I’m insane,

But I’ll show you that I’ve gotta brain,

Cause I’m gonna make it gonna make it rain.

Yeah I’m sane in my mind,

Sure I might be one of a kind,

Why you out here waitin’ for a sign?

Hey, I’m doin’ pretty good with these rhymes.

Yeah, got these sunglasses pushed up on my face,

But I’m not sure if I’m in the right place,

Tell me if I’m in the right place,

But first gimme my space,

Cause I’m like a Sherlock Holmes and you don’t want me on your case.

Know that I’m comin’ for ya pincess, ya I’m yo knight.

There Ain’t nobody out there puttin’ up no fight.

No evil sister out there even taken a bite.

You and me, Mmmhmm! What a cute sight!”

Guardian Guinea Pig sets out on his daunting task.

Flaunting sunglasses, high and proud, he never even looks back.

Into the sun he rides in his Guineamobile all his own.

And yeah, he left out in such a hurry, he forgot to grab his phone.

Guardian Guinea Pig knew just where he had to look.

Every Guinea traitor goes to this place, it’s in every single book.

A land of mystery, murder, and a whole lot of evil.

Yes, in the land where the Hamsters dwell! (Extra-long Guinea Pig scream)

He found the princess in that land all alone.

He rescued her and brought her back safely home.

She was so grateful, and on a whim,

She dumped Guinea Charming and instead married him.

Old Guinea’s got a guinea problem, gimme all the deets.

The guinea legend of the ages, and we put it all to beats.

Evil princess sister is a sinner and she’s come up with a scheme.

Every little guinea pig lets out a little scream. (guinea pig screams!)

But the stories not over, for as he saved his mate,

He scouted an army of hamsters, its power so great.

And ruling this army was the evil princess, he could see,

Along with her newfound love, a …hamster on a jet ski?

In rage the army to Old Guinea roared.

Led by a hamster in a jet ski, wielding a sword.

Hamsters and Guinea Pigs, they met head on,

On and on they clashed, on till dawn.

And this is how it went:

“Yo! Yo, hamsters taken home this fight,

They ain’t gon’ wait another night,

We hamsters never fearin’ height.

We come to you, we bite we smite.

We ‘fraid of you? No not one slight.

You think I’m wrong, well get it right.

Our army: an overwhelming sight.

Look at us; take fright, take flight.

With a Jet Ski Captain and Guinea Princess on our side,

We comin’ right in, yeah you better move aside.

If you gonna stay right there then we gonna go collide.

And when we collide, you’ll be denied, and we will provide,

Defeat with one stride, then you’ll go inside, by your bedside,

And you will have cried and died.

YO!”

The hamsters deal a devastating blow,

But Guineas, they gotta a better flow.

Here we go:

“You think you got us Guineas but us Guineas got no foe,

Ain’t no hamster on this earth that can match this kind of flow.

You may have dealt a little tiny puny blow, but know

That we aint know no woe, and like you’re grass, we mow,

You movin’ kinda slow, we’ll be rollin’ in some dough,

we spit like we’re a pro, and never lose ammo, we come up from below,

You lost long long ago, this ain’t no kid’s tempo

and now we putting on a show! (Guinea Pigs cheer!)

Don’t you see, better flee, before in your pants you pee,

By Guinea royal decree, we ain’t takin no, takin’ no plea.

We’ll give you a count to three, and if not out of our sight you be,

You’ll be wishin’ you were, trust me. In an hour we be sippin’ tea.

We ain’t fear no fear no jet ski, come on don’t you see?

We’ll turn you into ham. One! Two! Three!”

With this thunderous chant, the hamsters scurry away.

They decided they would rather not see destruction today.

In celebration, Old Guinea roared in delight,

While hamsters hurried home with everlasting fright.

But before the “happy ever after” comes,

We gotta rap up a few more crumbs.

Guardian Guinea Pig sets out one last time,

To make the evil princess pay for her crime.

He found her in her dreadful castle far far away,

In the wicked land of hamster, quite a miserable place to stay.

The princess, stricken with fear, jumped out of her window into the dark.

And into the moat she fell, and is eaten by her Guinea shark.

So this is the end, hope you enjoyed your extended stay,

Hope you admire Old Guinea’s legend of a frightful day.

This is the story of the royal house of Guinea.

Stay in tune for the sequel!

But one last time!

Old Guinea’s got a guinea problem, gimme all the deets.

The guinea legend of the ages, and we put it all to beats.

Evil princess sister is a sinner and she’s come up with a scheme.

Every little guinea pig lets out a little scream. (guinea pig screams!)