Not Myself

I feel unbalanced,

Like the skin that sits on my body,

Doesn't belong to the person I am inside,

I feel disoriented,

To whether my feelings are valid or everyone else is right,

I look in the mirror and I see twenty-six years,

Twenty- six years for where these eyes have seen,

Twenty-six years of reassuring I am me,

But right now, that is now what I see,

I see a wolf with a sheep's coat,

Acting like I know on the outside,

Yet, internally retreating to hide,

I am afraid of my thoughts,

Knotted and lost,

I am afraid for my relationships,

In constant fear for the next wave to hit,

I am afraid of my dependencies,

tied down dreaming to escape reality,

I am afraid of me,

And everyone just wanting me to be happy,

Their expectations are dragging me through chaos,

Though I am not sure it's their words that are the cause,

I don't know if my mind is playing tricks,

stacking their words and using it as leverage,

for what they are thinking and not saying,

I feel like my mind is overstimulated and decaying,

From every emotion I feel,

I can't tell what is real,

And what I have conjured in my head,

I remain in a stimulus of constant dread,

Of me saying something wrong,

Distancing myself from everyone too long,

and not communicating like they need,

Their reactions are debilitating to me,

I am afraid to interact,

Afraid what will be used back at me,

In a state of vulnerability,

Form the way they perceive,

I want to go dark,

Erase myself as marked,

In their lives,

So, I don't feel chastised,

for being alive,

But that's the thing,

I don't know if that is what they're saying,

Or what I am thinking,

I don't want to call myself insane,

Driven from the pressure and pain, I feel,

But I always feel like I have to be in control,

Of what I say,

How I act,

I know they just want the happy versions of me back,

I do too,

But right now, all I want to do is avoid,

Avoid the noise,

Avoid the expectations they are not saying but I am feeling,

Avoid the future interaction that I am seeing,

Because I am so intertwined in my own mind,

I am so far from beach, its interrupting my speech,

They want me,

Yet, I just want to run away from everyone and everything.