Never Saw It Coming

I plan for everything so how didn't I see?

That when it came down to it, it wouldn't be me.

Not that you stayed for and not that you tried,

I know you feel guilty for each tear I've cried

But I should've seen it coming, and I should've planned before

And now I'm scrambling as I rewrite my life forevermore

I'm on dating apps to distract myself but it doesn't make a change

I don't want to talk to anyone except the one who's walking away

I can't make it make sense no matter every effort I try

It's inevitable, the people I think are closest will always say goodbye

I'll never be the right amount of enough and maybe it's deserved

I could have done so much if I felt I could share those words

But all that comes out makes things so much worse

And I can't understand why I can't escape this curse

I've made mistakes but tried to make amends

I never thought I'd end up losing every single person I've called a best friend

One way or another I will make it through

It's the only option, It's what I do.

But this one cut deeper than I ever thought possible

As I irresponsibility drink straight from the bottle

Just to breathe even just for a day

I know ultimately it won't be okay

And the tears in my eyes are not to change your mind

I wish you never stopped sharing what you felt inside

I understand we can't go back and I don't know if you ever wanted me

All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy

I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted or needed

I did all I could without knowing you were already leaving

One foot out but unsure which way to go

Now you've made your choice and I have no room to say no

I want to be chosen and I thought I had been

And now I don't know how I'll trust the same way in my life again

I will heal in time, I always do

But if I'm not around for a while, it's not because of you

Everything that's been built up and empowered me for years

Was dashed in a few moments of spite filled words and tears

I'm questioning everything I thought I knew

Not because you don't love me, but because it doesn't matter that you do

The permanent mark you made and the way you've thrown me away

Feels like I was never worth the time anyway.

I'm sorry I wasted your time and your space

I'm sorry I took your happiness away

I'm sorry I couldn't be enough

At this point I know it's something I can trust

I will always be stuck in this place in my head

That has always wondered if I'd be better off dead

If just one of those moments it had all gone away

I believe that you'd have ended up happier today.