Never Enough

It would have been better if you had lied, if you didn’t feel genuine feelings inside.

In those instances of lost pride, I saw the best side of you, I saw your light.

But then something changed and it didn’t feel right, you acted different, your darkness you could no longer hide.

I wanted to make you mine but you were no longer in my sight.

I searched but I knew you weren’t coming back, not for me, maybe for them.

I lost you, and watched it happen, my anxiety wouldn’t have it.

I drank thinking it would help me feel less, I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes, all I wanted was what we had.

Oh, how I miss that.

You told me I was perfect, how you liked me so much. You told me I was home, well then why didn’t you touch me?

I was combusting to become your nothing, I became nothing, I am nothing.

But still I touched you, I needed to. It was the only time you focused on me, the only time we felt complete, yet that became not enough, and I knew we’d never reach love.

Here I am, still not giving up, but you have, I can feel the lack of.

I can feel everything. Your feelings and mine. I understand your side, I did the same thing to you, but the difference is I tried, and it worked until you faded.

Your light dimmed before I could make it there.

Your soul quit, and I was left to stare at everything I was afraid of.

Wondering what changed us.

Feeling far too much, I just wanted to be numb. So I did what I used to, what I knew worked. I slid in to my skin with a blade, it didn’t hurt.

It felt good to harm the problem. It felt good to rid of the drama. It felt good to watch the blood drip and let the pain fall with it.

Now I feel the same as you, I thought. Now we’re on the same page, we’re stopped. Could we have saved us? Or not? I don’t know all I know is you are what I want.

But it’s okay, it’s alright. I’ve been through far worse things in life. At least now I feel the nothing I am. I escaped myself, just like you ran.

I’m just a cry baby with no plans of ever trying to fall in love again because every time I get so close, they slam the door in my face with no notice.

I am potent with poison, I should warn the next one that I’m not what they want. There shouldn’t be a next one, everyone’s better off when I’m alone.

Next time a door opens, I’ll walk the other way, probably still thinking of our memories.

I wish today was yesterday when you held me so tight I could feel our souls collide, when you looked at me with those eyes and said “you’re mine” and meant it. That smile, your hair. I need to stop, I must stop. I don’t regret it...

I just wish I was enough.