My Biggest Fears

What's my biggest fear?

Well, I'd have to say losing my Mom, because, she is the one thing that keeps me sane, and it's funny, we have such a fucked up relationship, at times. And still?

I need her like I need air.

She is everything to me.

I remember, even as a kid when she would leave to go to work, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I remember when I went to visit my aunt in New York, I'd cry every day until she'd fly out to see me. You don't understand... without her? There's no me. I need her to tell me, 'I'm special,' 'worthy,' 'pretty.'

I need her to be here to tell me this, because I don't feel these things, really.

I don't feel, special, important, or pretty.

Most times, I feel broken and I feel used.

All the people who have taken the pieces of me and scattered the fragments beneath their soles and trampled on the broken glass, listening to the crunch beneath their feet.

All those people who laughed at my tears and ran away from my emotions, who left my heart with holes, feeling nothing, but defeat. And yet, Mom stayed and braved the storms of my unpredictable ways.

Sometimes with tears in her eyes.

Sometimes with me spitting lies.

Sometimes, angry at herself, for not being able to fix me, no matter how hard she tried.

She said, "Sometimes I wonder what I've done?"

And I tell her, "nothing." because no matter what I've said or done, she'll still be the only one I'll ever trust and the only person whom I'll always love. "Don't blame yourself, mom, because you did not break me."

My father, maybe.

My lovers, definitely.

My friends, constantly.

But, Mom, remained. Always the same.

She never ran away from me and always forgave me for every hurtful thing I've ever done or said.

"I fucking love you, mom. I love you for all the times you saved my life, in all my moments of frustration. I love you because you saved me from all the failed loves, fake-friends, bruises and scars, both seen and unseen."

Do you know what I mean?

That's why I can't lose her.

I can't even imagine my life or even living, without her, because I need her to keep me whole.

I need her to keep the scary things away from my life and chase the sullen monsters out from underneath my bed. I need her to kill the demons that plague my life and vanquish the ones inside my head.

I can't be in the dark, without her, again. Shivering in pain.

I can't go back to prescription drugs, bad relationships, or depression again.

She has to stay with me, for an eternity, because there's no way I can exist on this earth, without her with me. There's no one else in this world who means more to me. No one who will love and take care of me, unconditionally.

So, if she ever leaves this place, I'll fly with her, to heaven, and ask God to save me space.