Mussolini's gift

1.

will you remember me when I'm gone

I remember early summer mornings

glad-wrapped air and chiffon sunrise

conversation catharsis exploration denial

then drowsiness betrayed us

and exhaustion robbed us

I remember the bus

girls giggling at the boy

with ice-cream dripping

over his knuckles

a line down his jaw

sticky grip

vanilla in his pores

I remember one perfect day

in the perfect park

you know the one

where the old men play cards

faces like pastry dough

crumpled kneaded baked

I remember a time

there was a time I say

there were times you'll say

hours, half-hours

between-times

I remember your skin

the air about you so

still, like a leopard pausing

claws like rose thorns

clutching at your hair

I remember the last day

hanging like a necklace

of crisp leaves and ant-bones

a carapace of memory

with grasshoppers underfoot

I remember it slinking away

thick as the winter-soup

when we were pushed together

then parting

magic-lantern faces

2.

standing there

your face accelerating

beneath mockingbird hair

swimming sweeten-condensed

milk of skin

smile fish-flickering

beneath the surface

distorted enough

to think you're pretty

rub your eyes

wonder if there was

anything at all

yes

arrogance defiance ridicule

sitting confused confined conned

in white cotton white crepe white calico

springtime and Sadie Hawkins Day

stripes strips and streams

stifled cries hands clasped

fists clenched

for your sake he must come

for mine he must come

must come must comfort

he shall bring glad tidings

because love always arrives on time

that is Mussolini's gift

of course he'll come Cassandra

but my loneliness lies

in his arrival

we are separate

I'm waiting for another

like trains they come and go

peering from windows into the night

watching their backs

pass through doors

and then

bent hard and grappling

hunched and keeled over

keel-hauled shoulders

upon this brow-crest of waves

this white-wash hair

gushing past

the sweetest tongue

onto the icy sides

bulleting and burning

choking and churning

its way

your stomach gripped

not in love

outlined on the tiles

you're useless

heart in overdrive

transfixed and retching

in the morning your period

still wanting still needing

still

where are your earrings

I was

yet to live for your fountainhead

yet to be razed by your imperial mind

yet to venture forth into your body

yet to delight in your heart

yet to be freed by your courage

3.

what are you thinking

nothing

about me

someone else

who

someone I loved

that's strange

why

so was I

do you ever think of me

sometimes

only sometimes

were you thinking about anything

not really

why don't you come then

4.

be careful not to watch

yourself

settle down to

a nightcapful of equilibrium

and lithium

and illumination

and transfiguration

under the marquee moon

when the wires sung

under Tom’s fingers

standing at the mirror

silhouette Gillette in hand

in your white cotton

or was it calico

gown

maybe it was silk

then carefully cut the skin

not near the veins

or the arteries

pumping in my heart

watch the milk trickle

from your breast

down the elbow

or is it blood now

wipe off the saliva

with a tissue

or is it saliva now

dripping oily consumptive

sinewy and stabbing

over my body screaming

screaming under the weight

monkey-weight

or is it semen sow

watch my semen dry

crackle into dust

there were moments

cast in molten flesh

poured from pillow to pillow

with booze and contraception

from bed and mouth

tossed like marbles

bewitching bemoaning

bothered and bewildered

entwined

winding back the day

til resurrection writhes within us

in moonlight

marooned

flotsam and jetsam

jet-streams of Whitby

your Sargasso arms

holding me fast

so sweet at first

the teeth invade

wanting to yield to you

sugar on my tongue

seed on my breast

tears embroider

my cheeks and lips

mascara lace relief

senses distorted

no don't spit me out

swallow

a slop house

that is our love

a slop house

where pigs drop their waste

onto us

a place to prick our boils

and blow our noses

a place to wipe your saliva

from my neck and hair

perhaps love is running down

your legs

or sticking to the sheets

was mine less than yours

a minute maybe

no longer

emotional indiscretion

an hour maybe

no longer

you weren't there

I looked out

besmirched green-dappled

noticed the billboard feelings

of the man across the aisle

eyes are guns

in sight within range

you say execute me now

his hand on your leg

uncovering a breast

and some memories

innocence

once your only reward

now sensitivity shines

like a medal

necessity mistaken for trust

thoughts misused

actions bungled

you used to make love

now you make mistakes

how many steps does it take

no give me an answer

is it one

hovering before settling

or is it two

like the logic of addition

or is it three

four or five

is it that many or this many

tell me

how many steps does it take

to leave forever

just how many

5.

lovembers

desiresidues

each sound

disturbance

chord

syllable

vibration

each laugh and curse

nestle in my mind

love like gin

always there

traces in letters

conversations

acquaintances

harping on

with the door ajar

6.

we laughed in bed, didn't we

we met in a cafe, didn't we

you loved me, didn't you

didn't you

didn't

you