Madness, Crazy, Insane?

I grew up believing that men are alcoholics

and women are mentally ill, chronics

I wasn't the only one back in the day

because when I cried all-day

my mom said I was having

a nervous breakdown. It was nothing

like that. It was that I had been

working with the sexual assault

program on trauma and had seen

the truth to know it wasn't my fault.

My husband who I divorced a year before

asked to date my friend from grade four

and I was working with men

with the idea of being a woman,

a healthy female role model

for them. My sponsor said don't coddle

them men. Then said, "You aren't having a breakdown

rather you are having a breakthrough!

You probably do need a break though!"

She hooked me up with a treatment program she

was familiar with. I knew better but that is where I met he.

He would be my next husband. There was a reunion

and he was there as entertainment at

the treatment program. I didn't know he would be my next union.

I needed to get my mind off of everything that

had happened in my past.

Or I wouldn't last!

The madness, crazy, and even insane

could still happen. I was kept in the hospital

for 30 days and the only one sure I was sane

was my friends. I would walk across the parking

lot to the program I was in. Participate all day long,

and return at night for sleeping.

I truly wasn't sure all along!

The counselor had me hollering

outside as I confessed to having

screaming in my head.

A few others joined in.

They told the neighbors ahead

of time, they probably thought it was a looney bin.

I had been depressed since age ten.

Maybe even younger back then.

I had dealt with anxiety and panic

disorders that made me very sick.

I tried suicide once and woke up.

Someone said, "Permanent solution

to a temporary problem" and I said yup.

I wasn't that sure at the time, I learned to bargain

with God. I am sure now and I never tried it again.

Crazy? Maybe. Insane? No. Madness. Not yet.

Time to get

done with this

as others will be questioning is

she or not?

~~~~~~~~

This is for the March Write Club Prompt.