Lost Innocence

As a child, she couldn’t understand it. The obsession with something so toxic, she loved her mom she really did, she would give anything to stop it.

When the drinks started pouring she knew how the night would end, she’d dress her mom and put her to bed, it was something she knew but when would it end?

She laid awake at night, waiting till the time was right. Tip toe to moms room to check her breathing and make sure she was alright.

She swore she’d never touch it, or anything else. The pain it had caused her was something in itself. She truly meant what she said, every last word but she grew up, her troubles began and she just needed to calm her nerves.

It started with drinking, just unwinding and having fun. She tried a pill for the very first time and when her face was numb she smiled and said “I’ve wanted my whole life to feel this way” and that’s when the madness begun.

What started out as a drink turned into so much more, before she realized what had happened, she was waking up with no memory of what happened and found herself on the floor.

Why does my face hurt? Did I fall? She’d pick up her phone looking for answers wondering who could tell her, who should she call?

Crouched over the toilet, staring at the wall. Wondering what had made her this way, did anyone care at all?

It took her by surprise, the way she fell so fast. She tried to get her life together but was constantly reminded of her past.

The abuse she endured at the hands of her moms brother, the absent father who spent years putting hands on her mother. She’d been bullied and used by people she trusted. Her silent cry’s were never heard her invisible pain was never noticed.

Her love for others was something they write stories about, but finding a way to love herself was something she couldn’t think about.

She found love in men who tore down her spirit, it’s almost like she already knew that she was trash but, she needed to hear it.

In the end she survived, but not because of herself. God knew just what she needed when he gave her those girls. She wanted better for them, she wished she could give them the world.

Even still she falls at times, wondering why she keeps holding on at all, she hates the sound of the silence but then, she hears tiny feet running down the hall. She pulls herself together and puts on a smile. If only they knew how they saved her every time they smiled. Such an innocence she was missing, something she thought was lost. She’ll protect those girls and survive her darkness no matter the cost.