Brandi Culotta
Bio
I love poetry, I just recently picked writing back up after several years. The mindset of a woman who’s been broken is a powerful thing. I write from my heart and it can be raw and real.
Stories (8/0)
A piece of me, left with you.
I’ve always been curious about people who have it all together, tailored lawns and such. Growing up life wasn’t bad, raised by a single mother in an apartment complex wasn’t ideal but I never knew that. They say love is what makes a home, not the things inside of it. My mom always had the time of her life, life in the fast lane for sure. Probably not the most ideal environment for a child but hey, I always had fun. I was born in Tennessee, land of bonfires and moonshine, but more importantly figuring out which one was on your list for that weekend. Time goes slow in a small town, but for me it felt like it went way to quickly. Before I knew what had happened I was 20 years old, pregnant with my first child and scared to death. I left the nest and moved in with my new beau leaving my mother in a state of crippling depression. See, mom and I were best friends, she was my rock. A solid foundation when the days took a turn for the worst. Never passing judgment and always available to listen, telling her everything always came so naturally. After I found out I was pregnant, things started to change. The man who swore to my mother that he would never hurt me became someone I didn’t recognize. Physically he never laid a finger on me, but mentally and emotionally, those were his territories. He never called me names, what he had done was much worse. Narcissistic people thrive on making you think you’re crazy, twisting all of the truths you’ve found out and making them somehow your fault. He did what he wanted and if he carried any remorse I never saw it. I stayed. I know crazy, right? Unfortunately I was very young, very scared and uncertain of how I could raise a baby on my own. I was miserable, I wanted to go back home so bad. I did leave, shortly after my first daughter was born, he came and got me and like a fool I followed him. I needed this to work so badly, I wanted the family I had envisioned I’d have. We lived an hour away from my hometown and my mom. Not to far but it seemed just far enough to always get an excuse as to why we couldn’t visit her. Time goes on, and the circle keeps spinning my oldest had just turned 2. We started noticing certain things about her that weren’t exactly normal. I didn’t panic to much, I just figured normal baby stuff. I started a new job at a local retail store and things seemed better. I had set my daughter up with a doctors appointment in those coming days to really figure out what was going on. On the day of the appointment I went alone, my dad lived nearby but our relationship wasn’t exactly daddy’s little girl status. I sat and filled out intake paperwork while my baby girl played gleefully with a toy I was almost certain was marinated with germs. After awhile we were called back to wait on the pediatrician, but to my surprise a different doctor walked in. She was short and had black hair, she was doing her best to smile but I could see something was coming before she even started to speak. “Mrs. Culotta I went over your daughters intake paper work to check where she’s at with meeting her milestones. After reading it over I’ve noticed that there may be some red flags for Autism” okay wait, what? I had heard the word but what does that mean really? “So, is she okay? What’s going to happen!!??” She could hear the uncertainty and panic in my tone and jumped in right away. “Now medically she’s perfect, Autism is a communication delay. It’s presents itself differently in each person.” I was sent on my way with a referral for an evaluation and a head full of spinning thoughts. In the car the first person I needed was my mom. I needed her reassurance, and her gentle tone to calm me down. We made it home in one piece, mom had to leave because my grandma was sick and she was the one caring for her. After delivering the news to my household, I stepped away to have a moment to feel what needed to be felt, and I let it all go. The next day I got up like normal and fed baby girl breakfast, set up her evaluation and got ready for work. I was gathering my things when the phone rang, it was my aunt. I was in a rush and almost ignored it but picked up anyway. “Brandi, you’re grandmother has passed away. Your mom wanted me to call she can’t talk right now.” I felt my knees buckle and my throat close up. My sister in law ran to my side and sat me in a chair. I sobbed for a while and went to my job to tell them what had happened. Plans were made to pick my daughter and I up the next day. I couldn’t help but feel like things just kept getting worse for me, I mean I’m already down and you just kick me again? Mom and my aunt picked us up the next day, we gathered with family and cherished her memory. The next day she was laid to rest, my mom was in hysterics and I was doing everything I could to keep her upright. After the service the family gathered again, in typical tradition and we ate. Afterwards Mom, my daughter and I went back to her apartment and settled in for the night. I was sleeping so soundly when I sprung awake at 3 am barely making it to the bathroom in time. Great. Mom came running to check on me like always and reminded me that my uncle had just gotten over a stomach bug. That’s wonderful, baby girl will be next. We all laid back down and slept till morning. Mom requested that some Ginger Ale be brought over to settle my stomach, which was queasy but feeling much better. We spent most of that day being lazy and watching our favorite movies. The next day I had to go home, we loaded up and headed that way. We made it back in one piece and mom and I said goodbye. The next day I headed back to work, time doesn’t stop for long. I was a cashier, this day an elderly lady came through my line. “Well, sweetie how far along are you?” I stared in shock, “I’m not pregnant!” My stomach looked the same, I hadn’t noticed any changes. “Baby you better get you a test.” I said okay and told her to have a nice day. Great, now I get to finish out my shift wondering if I’m pregnant again. Time passed by slowly, when the end of the day finally came I rushed to my car and drove straight to the first Dollar Tree I could find. I picked up 2 dollar tests and paid for them, I wasted no time running from the register to the store bathroom. I peed on them both and sat in silence while I waited. My stomach was in knots, how could this happen?? I had told him I needed to be on birth control, he said no because it messes up your system. I finally got up my courage and stood up, taking my time to pull up my pants carefully making sure I didn’t look at the tests yet. When I was finally ready I picked up the first one. My head got fuzzy and my mouth dropped, it’s positive. So is the other one, I have to pull myself together and walk to my car. With both of the tests clutched tightly in my hand I walked out the door. I called my mom first, she was obviously ecstatic. Then came time to tell him. He was on the computer, playing that stupid game like always, I walked to his side and laid the tests on the desk next to him. He looked briefly, “What’s That?” I sat down on the edge of the bed. “ That is what happens when you don’t take birth control, congratulations daddy.” My belly began to grow, and baby girl had her evaluation. So now are weeks are full of therapy and car rides to specialists. Mom will be here again when baby number 2 comes, she’s also throwing me a baby shower. I’m so excited! I find out what we’re having tomorrow, I don’t care as long as the baby is healthy. The next day we find out we’re having another little girl. Planning for my shower begins, and before I know it I’m at my moms, surrounded by my family, celebrating my new baby girl. I was so genuinely happy in that moment, everything was as it should be. The shower ended and I returned home to start preparing for the birth of our other beautiful girl. The day before the scheduled C-Section arrives, mom and my aunt just got into town and checked into their hotel. They come by to see us before turning in for the night, mom isn’t well. Her feet are so swollen they had to buy her house shoes because her others wouldn’t go on her feet. I’m clearly concerned but mom makes light of it like always “I’m just retaining a lot of fluid, I need to take my fluid pills. I’m okay.” Satisfied and some what convinced she has it under control they leave for the hotel and we turn in for the night. I make sure the bags are packed and ready to go before laying down. The next morning comes and I’m hooked up and ready to go, I told him that I was letting mom go back this time. He was there for our first daughter and I want her to be there for our second. Mom was thrilled, she never stopped smiling when the nurse handed her grand baby to her. I was out of it for a while but could hear the excitement in their voices when they got her weight and watched her get cleaned up. A few short days later, mom was on the road back home and we were headed home with baby sister. Not long after we settled and a few months had gone by, he proposed. I said yes and we were married in front of our Christmas tree at home on New Years Eve. Winter came and went and before we realized summer was coming, I hadn’t seen mom since the baby was born and she was almost eight months now. I had been begging to go see her but there was always something stopping us. Mother’s Day just passed and I was able to video chat with her but it just wasn’t the same. Her birthday came and went with the same scenario, but at least my sister was with her so she wasn’t alone. July, it’s finally here the wonderful month of my birth and my oldest daughter’s as well. Well almost here anyway, today is June 30th tomorrow is the first. We’re sitting on the deck enjoying the sun, my oldest daughter splashing in the pool and my baby girl is in her bouncer. I pick up the phone and call my mom just like every other day, she picks up and let’s me know she’s eating dinner with her boyfriends family and she’ll call me when she gets in that evening. We say our I love you’s and hang up the phone. I got busy with the babies and before I realized it was to late to call her tonight, so I just reminded myself to call her tomorrow. The next morning, after the normal bottle and breakfast routine I pick up the phone and dial mom. It rings a few times but she doesn’t pick up, not really unusual if she’s with her honey. She’ll call later I’m sure, later that evening my phone rings. As soon as I see the name I know that something is up. It’s my moms boyfriend, and although he had practically raised me getting a call from him was not something that ever happened. I picked up the phone, he was calling to see if I had heard from mom. “No, I had tried to call but I got her voicemail so I thought she was with you.” “No I have been trying to reach her most of the day but I can’t get her on the phone. I went by her apartment and the tv is on, she didn’t answer the door but then the neighbor said he thought he saw her leave with someone earlier.” He said the neighbor described a lady that sounded like my aunt so maybe she was with her for the night. I asked if I should call the police and he said no, he would come by first thing in the morning to see if she’s home. I told him that was fine but if she didn’t answer I was calling them. The following morning I woke up early and dialed his number “Anything?” “No, she’s not answering.” “That’s it I’m calling the cops.” I called the police and asked them to go over and do a welfare check on her. I waited, and I waited, and I waited. I called her boyfriend and he wasn’t picking up, why is he not answering at a time like this. I am worried to death. A few more minutes pass and my Mother In Law is pacing the floor, she’s taken the girls into the living room to play and put a pot of coffee on. Totally not normal. Finally my phone rings, I don’t recognize the number but I pick up anyway. “Hi Mrs. Culotta, this is the sheriff with the city police department. Could you please explain why you wanted a welfare check performed on you’re mother?” A little confused, wondering why my mom didn’t call I go into explaining that my mom has health conditions and has been known to fall at times. “Well, ma’am we came up here to check on her and the door was dead bolted from the inside, we had to break the door open to get inside. Once we got in we did find your mother and I’m sorry but she’s passed away.” ……………….
By Brandi Culotta3 years ago in Families
The Soul She Bares
The soul she bares is raw, unfiltered and torn. Weary from the pain she’s endured and the heartache she’s worn. She’s so beautiful in the way that she still hangs onto hope, if you’re lucky enough to be the person she reveals herself to, understand that she’s trusting these fragile pieces in the hands that belong to you.
By Brandi Culotta3 years ago in Poets
Home To Her
Home to her Home, for her it means so much more than a roof and four walls. She’s searched for what feels like her entire life trying to find her way back to that place. A place where her soul wasn’t shattered and the burden of what she carries wasn’t so heavy. During the day she doesn’t belong to herself, fixing meals and kissing the scrapes is what she’s accustomed to. At night she silently weeps, when the house is quiet being alone with her own thoughts can be deafening. She hangs on tight to her pillow, fighting away the demons that invite her company. She closes her eyes and begins to question herself, has she done enough? Is she enough?
By Brandi Culotta3 years ago in Poets
