Life in Acceleration

95 miles per hour on country roads. Bass so loud your body shakes. The feeling of infinity.

I had never imagined myself as a child to become this way. Back when rollercoasters went too high, gunshots were still fireworks, and my loved ones weren't behind the bullets. When a stuffed animal was enough to stop the tears and love was still a fairytale and not empty statements of affection. The world seemed to have no end in sight.

Only because I had no idea that an end existed.

For everyone else, that world had acceptably ended. Instead of remorse, they changed personas. The idea of money was enough to fill the vacancy of family members too focused on their addictions, and the blank spaces of traumatic memories forever locked away in their skulls. But me? Nothing could fill the voids. I could only kill the pain with words that seemed to have no ploy and a boy whose hands shook harder when he played pool than they ever had kissing me. Nights like these, on the brink of death, were when the voids filled with the stars in the sky and I breathed in the cold wind blasting through the cracks in the window so hard that my soul trembled.

These nights were like no other. Sometimes my company was lovely muses of reckless beauty, and others with Gods that never could find what kind of love they were looking for. I was always there. No seatbelt, laying back. A rush in my spine, and a feeling of awaiting disaster.

The one thing I always loved was how I could sense life in its entirety. Today was not my time of demise. No matter how close I got to hell it couldn't suck me in. No matter how high in the clouds I felt to heaven, I was always inches away before I was destined to fall back. It was not my time.

So I sit. I drown in the infinite bliss the stars give me. I hide between the palms of my guardian. I dance in the streets at midnight, recreating the rush of adrenaline that keeps me living. These are the moments I crave, the moments I beg to touch once more after they're gone. 95 miles per hour on country roads. Bass so loud your body shakes. Stars so clear they're calling my name.

These are the moments I feel endless.