Life Colors

Iv'e reached a point. A point in my life where I am mostly alone and jumping between whether I like it that way or not.

I don't feel appreciated. Iv'e changed my hair so many times, people must have just run out of compliments and acknowledgments to give, because no one says anything, and my excitement is lessened. I must have painted too many things because no one even notices anymore.

No one says anything.

Me and what I do, what I'm passionate about, is all old news. But what I wonder most of the time is: Is it me that's old news? Or is it the people I'm around. With the eternal exception of my darling husband, everyone around me feels stale and withered. They aren't potent, bright about life anymore. It's as if adulthood has stolen their life lust. Excitement is a thing of the past for them. Seeing their friends and family is just another day, nothing to be too rambunctious about. They get a new car, and it's just convenience. A new house? eh, somewhere to live the life that lacks life.

It's as if I feel like I'm getting more colorful, but only when I'm not around the grey people. I'm searching for more colors, but they are sucking the color from each other.

When I see a smile on someone, I see yellow. When I see someone helping another, I see soft warm pink. When I see couples staring into each others eyes, I see vibrant and hot red. But most of them, are just....grey. So dull and dried out they look always as if at the saddest funeral in the world. As if right before their eyes, before they have even lived, they are watching their soul be buried in the center of the earth, but they don't have even enough life in them left to care. Nothing left to even cry out. They have decided and accepted their fate before it's even happened.

But we choose our fate. We choose it all. Friends, family, job, money, health, love, adventure, all of it. It is ALL our choice.

I even try offering the colors to them, but because they don't choose a colorful life, the colors just fall right off or fade before you blink. Why choose grey? I see some beauty in the grey as well. I see elegance, interest, responsibility, compromise. But to see others live in only this color, grey becomes depression, boredom, listlessness......emptiness. This happens because there is no balance, no fluctuation. Love is warm inviting red, excitement is a firework filled with bright greens, oranges, yellows. Laughter is orange as maple leaves. Adventure is mysterious and exciting purple. Happiness is warm and full of fire reds, natural browns, and sometimes it bursts into a soft but bright and powerful white gold.

I've started to think that maybe for my own survival, my own fulfilling life I should run from the never-ending grey's. My caring blue wants so much to fill them with a myriad of intoxicating colors, but without their choice to embrace them, I would only continue to watch my colors drain without any good coming from it. So perhaps I should run. Or better yet, walk.

I need more color. I need to find my soul tribe, but the practical part of me knows that will never happen until I seek the rainbow, rather than stay in the dead of the winter. I have to find the light and the flowers growing out of the ice.

As much as I love the grey's and the amazing colors they used to be and even who they are now, it's time to wish them well and say goodbye. I love you all so very very much, but it's my time to leave. Because if I don't, I will not be the person I wish to be. I will be less than that. A shell, and while I hope dearly that someday you find your colors again, I can no longer be the one to offer them to you. You must find your own path, your own new life.

I ask only that when and if you ever think of me, that you remember my colors and thereby remember your own. Use my memory as inspiration for your own journey. Be brave. Someone already knows you are capable of far more than you realize. I know you can become more, and not for anyone else, just for You. You, alone.

Blessed be and farewell my loves.