Kingdom of Heart

Mind’s racing. Thoughts of wanting & reassurance. My heart so sure now so unsure. I’m reminded the reality of what is. Not feeling like the rest but unable to fall in line. Cant break free but afraid it leads to loneliness. Given a taste of what it really feels like. Don’t want to give it away, don’t want to mess things up. Stopped from going all the way but unaware of me going too far.

Most days it’s easy, some days it’s fun, but I’m still brought back to this kingdom of heart. Overall, these thoughts drags me back and forth even after I’m left on read. I shouldn’t care as much, I should be the priority, but once your voice enters me, I cant help but be needy. My being becomes numb to the urge. The feeling of being loved engulfs me.

All I want is to share what’s been given. All I want is to be whole. All I want is to be given the love that I share even when that love is suppose to be for me alone. All these feelings is so overwhelming. Sometimes I wonder if I should not feel at all.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to be alone in my room, away from the world not wanted by others. Only to be providing strength and hope to those in need while leaving myself stuck. Left in this perpetual loop of isolation and anxiety. Falling into a theme park of constant negativity. Unable to breathe the air of freedom, I continue to lay in my room with someone next door wishing what would have happened if things were different.

If I had abandoned those who love me but couldn’t love themselves. How different would I be? Tears falls down my face as I feel more guilty and hurt that I love so much because I wasn’t loved enough. Wasn’t cared enough to make changes. Wasn’t cared enough to be taught. Left so behind the barrel it’s like I’m being born again as a 20 something in grovel. Left to the confines of madness.

A constant belief of something greater when the thing that is great is myself. Struggle so much-far and wide for a savior that would never come. No choice but to conceptualize my existence and put up a face. Pretend to be whoever I should to provide peace and serenity. Become the hope and glue that brings everyone together. Overtime the glue runs out. It breaks down. Unable to restore what’s been. Hoping to be mixed in with a new bottle.

That’s enough of the past. I can’t stay there long. What happens now is what I have left to change. What I know is I’m still stuck in a place I no longer call home. Surrounded by reminders of the past. Unable to leave. Like Rapunzel with her hair so long and not white, my heart is bigger than an anacondas tail or a walking trip to Mars.

From this world of darkness I emerge through a magic unknown. Shrouded in mystery, I have been sentenced to spread positivity and kindness throughout the land. Soon to be banished from my own if rip the bandaid, I search for another who possess abilities similar to my own. I fight to keep the dark at bay and find the light that remains, inside.

Nevertheless I walk along this road with my heart on my sleeve. Afraid to give others a chance, of who we could be. Friendships and bonds are to be tread lightly, because once my heart is tucked away, I become a heartless, to a nobody. So I journey to this kingdom of heart, to find the truth that’s been ripped apart.