It Shouldn't Have Hurt

Last night was rough.

It was worse than I’ve ever been.

I can’t really say why it was that bad, but it was.

Crying. Hurting. I even looked up the LifeLine online chat.

It’s a strange thing.

It seems so stupid that such a little thing could start such an awful spiral.

I mean, it’s just a song. It’s not like they told me not to sing.

They just asked someone to help me.

It shouldn’t have hurt. I was getting better.

Yesterday was a good day.

I spent it with friends. I felt needed. I felt wanted. I was happy.

And then we had rehearsal.

It was fine for a while.

Until my voice got tired.

We had been singing for two hours, nearly non-stop.

I haven’t really had occasions to sing for longer than half an hour straight for a very long time.

I am not a Vocal Performance or Musical Theater major.

I’m just a person who likes to sing.

I have an ok voice.

It shouldn’t have hurt to have someone double me for the only song I get to lead.

It shouldn’t have hurt because it’s meant to help.

Yet it hurt.

It hurt so much that I was sobbing in my bed at four o’clock in the morning,

having considered horrible things.

Things I have never considered for such a long period before.

Things that I can normally dismiss.

Things that no one should know or act on.

Yet, I almost did.

Over a song.

There has to be more to it than that.

Was it the way he reacted when my voice gave out?

“That better not happen tomorrow.”

Was it the way it seemed like she was scolding me.

“I think you’re wrong. Doubling will help. You need help.”

Or when she suggested I give up my chance to sing.

“Is there any song you don’t want to sing? One you don’t care about?”

It seems stupid.

That any of this would hurt so much that I would consider what I did.

It was just a song.

I have value in other places.

I could just leave the singing to them and stay in my corner.

But that would hurt too.

I want to sing so bad.

But they dismissed me.

I want to lead so bad.

But they don’t think I’m ready.

I get he wants it perfect.

I get it may be her last service.

I get that it will be his.

I don’t get why that makes it a bad idea for me to sing.

I don’t get why I was the first one called out with mics.

“Is there any song you don’t care about? That you don’t want to sing?”

Music is my life.

Even if I don’t major in it.

Why does the person who gets to sing the least end up being the one asked to sing less?

I had said so many times.

I really want to sing.

I thought I made it clear it was important.

But they didn’t hear me.

And I got hurt.

So hurt I considered what I did.

I should tell them.

I just want to sing.

Why should that end up with pain?

It can seem stupid,

or strange

or ridiculous

that a song could push me from a good day

to one of my worst.

But I guess that’s the way of things.

I will get better.

I will not do the horrible things.

I will make it to tomorrow.

I have to.