it hurt

it hurt

the voicemail drowned my ears

the vibration of your call shook my body

your voice sliced my heart.

my ribcage collapsed, puncturing my lungs

my sobs and gasps for air were loud deseperstions begging for you to understand.

it all came rushing back

that tone, I know that hurtful tone

the fear, I know the that fear.

i let it hurt, because,

it hurt.

in the moment

your words clung to my damaged soul

and sent shockwaves of pain.

i realized how different you were.

how old demons make you hold grudges

that were taken out on me,

that were always taken out on me.

i wanted to be perfect. For you.

i lost myself, I didn’t know myself.

i allowed myself to only know what you wanted, and think how you wanted me to.

all these years of pleasing and serving

i can’t no longer, respectful but true,

true to myself, honest.

i never meant to hurt, but hurting seems to be all I do.

i always did my best based on circumstances.

i’m sorry, I couldn’t be better for you.

i tried, I promise I tried.

but it’s time for me to heal myself

to work away from that controlling fear.

i’m grateful all the Hell taught me to be strong, but it seemed like too big a price to pay for some strength.

it hurt

but one day, I hope courage

nests within, and allows me

to finally stand up.

i owe myself and the ones affected by this that much.