indifference.

i'm not here anymore. even though you see my body; i've gone.

inside my head, i've left - with the door wide open - and you watched my back as i went.

but why are you upset?

didn't care enough to try and stop me. even seemed to be happy about it. (like i had become relieved whenever you weren't around.)

yet when you'd leave me; call me while drunk, crying, a raving lunatic, delusional... when your cousin took his life - your "ride or die" who was dead - and left. you. alive...

who was alive with you still?

right behind you.

just enough space as to not smother you, but to catch you if your knees gave out and you collapsed with grief.

wasn't i your ride or die?

by your standard, i guess not. (i chose to stay.)

and now your friends dislike me. because i'm a c*nt, toxic, lacking in compassion.

apparently, it was my lack of love for you that cleaned your vomit off the living room carpet and the bathroom walls, that called 911 and compressed my hands against your chest. it was my toxicity that accepted your sober, recovering, seizing body, that welcomed you into my family and gave you a place to belong to.

a haven to grow.

it was my c*ntiness that cried for you. wailed for you. worried for you whenever i wasn't sure you'd make it.

it all meant so little.

and you'd wonder why, "why does she ask me if i really love her?" (You couldn't seem to figure it out.) "why does she ask me if i actually hate her?"

the better question was "why does she feel this way?"

your friends wont help you. especially not after they realize that they can't. it's not sustainable.

and they probably - still - won't forgive me for leaving you. (for leaving you.) because it's a woman's job to carry a man's pain. because it was my job to suffer for you, tend to you, sacrifice my mind, body, and soul for you. (never again, god.)

even though you lied to me. promised me security you couldn't provide. did just enough to. get. me.

trap me, like an animal. (like the animals i love so much - and you despise.)

but i'm gone.

you haven't realized it yet, but i've gone.

i am a shell standing before you, playing my part, milking it for all it's worth until i am safe. my mind is elsewhere, in the future, where i am free.

my love for you has soured. it is tainted, soiled. i do not wish to fix it.

i will have to start again... like the times before.

but i did it then, and i will do it now.

i. will. survive. you.