In Answer to Shakespeare's Sonnet #130

In reading Shakespeare's sonnet #130, I have often wondered what the response of the mistress would have been had she not caught his drift completely. Here is the Bard's sonnet, followed by my version of a response, all in the spirit of fun as in a Shakespeare comedy.

Sonnet 130: My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun, by William Shakespeare:

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;

Coral is far more red than her lips' red;

If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;

If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.

I have seen roses damasked, red and white,

But no such roses see I in her cheeks;

And in some perfumes is there more delight

Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.

I love to hear her speak, yet well I know

That music hath a far more pleasing sound;

I grant I never saw a goddess go;

My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.

    And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare

    As any she belied with false compare.

The Mistress' response to sonnet #130, by Edward Farber:

Oh Will, my bard, thy sonnet I’ve perused

Of love, I thought, until I read it through.

But now the words you penned have me confused

To think you think that all of it is true.

You write there are no roses in my cheeks,

No sunny looks forthcoming from my eyes,

And worse, the breath I breathe upon you reeks?

Oh Will, thy words do not bring sighs but cries.

“Black wires grow” upon my head, I quote.

My voice, you write, not musical to thee?

Oh, yes, one more comparison to note:

My breasts are dun? No more will they you'll see.

My bard, these unromantic words you’ve penned

If unresolved will bring us to an end.