ignoring myself is easy

I'm selling my soul again.

And no, no one's making me do it. Not a magical genie who prophesied the idea or a devil minipulating me into some sort of trade. This is a me choice and a me decision-

-because I don't know what to do when it's just myself so it's easiest to sell it. Sell it to contribute to others happiness because I don't know how to be happy by myself.

The lows are low and the highs never feel so good.

So please excuse me just this once, I'm not being overly dramatic when I share with you, that depression sinks me so far down.

So far down, that I'm pretty sure you could allow my mood to simply stabilize and I would consider it a high.

They say that life comes in waves, of ups and downs but I feel like it's more like an ocean wave. Just a circular push and pull, we take and we give, we crash into the shore line, and then recoil into ourselves to build back up and do it again. Until perhaps the tides change, and we are swept another way, forced into some sort of change. But even then, once settled we continue the pattern just on a new beach.

And that, that sucks.

Repeating an action over and over agian. Growing from the knowledge that the results will never change, even if the enviroment does. I'm stuck in a loop, a wave pattern, a current of emotional dealings.

Funny, I'm a water sign, Cancer. Ruled by the moon, drawn to the waves. Maybe it's something inherent or maybe it's all coincidental, make-believe, a personal religon based from the stars and the zodiac. Or maybe it's an excuse, to continue riding the waves.

Surfing the Highs and Crashing with the Lows.

Investing in a deal to sell myself to the shore lines, the people in my life I can make feel happy. Feeding their highs, stretching the ride, prolonging the enevitable lows we all crash down into.

I'm selling my soul again, not to a genie, or a devil in disguise. But to pretend in my loneliness that fueling a friend is noble and ignoring myself is easy.