I Wished You Were Dead

Shut your face

inner ramblings

voices in my head

hold your tongue

zip your lips

i never said it

but wanted to

i wished you were dead

my awful thoughts

rehearsed scripts

*

Race for the doorway

flight's request

a frozen fool

stood, zoned in trance

arm's reach

yet puzzled

how love feels like danger

eyes covered by wool

i flinch instinctively

you're unpredictable

is this your confession

mi amor, why your anger?

*

Overhead punches

wall dents

hits meant for me

unruly temper

least, flesh feels no pain

cover for you

yes, i did

out of fear

fear, time and again

does it even count

if no one else can see?

*

Unsaid in hindsight

spared me a worse fate

yet, i screamed in silence

when fists turned red

lies to self

to lie to you better

hoping to deter your violence

inner replays

turned up the volume

still, i never said it

i dared not

i couldn't

but i wished you were dead

***

Author's Note: recollections of my unspoken words during an abusive relationship.