i tried to write about my grief (how can it always carry on?)

my mother was taken away

10 months ago

they removed her bed

there is a bottle of medicine

still on the cupboard above her kettle

that she will never hear again

and it doesn’t even know

and i try to write about my grief

where do you put such a thing?

how do you cope

knowing you are not the person before it

you knock, knowing she’s not at home

people ask

what is grief?

what is love, what is loss?

i do not want to be anything

if its not a star in my mothers womb

a seed ready to grow

i’ll grow better this time

i didnt know

i didnt know

the waves dont go

they move and grow

crashing onto sand

never stopping

like her heart

like my heart when she told me

i know, i know.

i want to stop.

i stopped wanting to move

but the ocean doesnt give up

the tides may slow

the water is quiet and numb

i want to be buried by them

where i am nothing but a star

in a pit of black and blue

floating but never growing

she grew me to be grown

i was a star in her womb

i have been in lakes and seas and skies unknown

and pits which i cannot show

they grow on their own

and the waves come and go

but they come

and then they go

sometimes tranquil,

comforting, im sown

other times, unforgivingly slow

i dreamt of being buried

of closing my eyes to the world

an eternal sleep

a final rest

never moving never growing

always alone

collecting petals and raindrops

away from the monster

that my grief created on its own

but the ocean carries on

how can it always carry on?

i dont want to be here

swimming to the blocked surface

my eyes sunk in

black tendrils pull ing me

the waves wouldnt know

they would keep crashing above me

only i would ever know

i tried to write about my grief

the ocean doesnt know the feeling of losing something so loved

perhaps she looks to the moon and sees her charming bright smile

just as i see my mother’s eyes

in the twinkling glow of light

floating on a velvet ocean

seeing the stars of her sky

wondering if she still grows

or stays to watch her star get by.