I Miss You

“what would you reply

if i said i missed you

because it’s only ten o’clock

and i’m dripping head to toe in memories

your absence winded me.

and i have just learned to breath again

it is my fault.

but it is also yours

it is time i admitted that to myself

you see; i love to blame myself for everything

if you asked me my hobby

i’d say self pity

because it makes me feel satisfied

which makes no sense

but does anything?

if only you knew

why

i pushed you away

but i guess you don’t need a reason

because you pushed back

and that’s the only answer i’ll ever need to hear-

you contributed.

which should mean i can now sleep at night

but i lay awake

thinking of what i would be doing if you were still around

i do miss you

but on days like these

i also remember

what it was like when you left

liberating.

like i was in control again

independent.

like i was stronger than ever before

and i also remember

how hard it was to let go.

i could never

put myself through that

again

the denial

the defeat

the dents and the bruises

i am not ready.

i may miss you

but i can live with missing you

it’s just a part of life now that i’ll always have

like how i miss being a kid

and how i miss my grandparents that have passed

and how i miss my high school musical backpack from kindergarten

i can’t get any of that back

and the same goes for you.

as much as it kills me to say

i’ve gotten used to the smell of your absence.

it’s vanilla body wash every shower

and six candles in my bedroom at once

burning a fruit salad of aromas-

stay where you are

i’m done”