I'm Afraid

I love music.

I love reading,

The way stories come to life in words,

Yet those same words can terrify me when spoken.

I am afraid of heights,

The dark,

Spiders,

A man's unwanted grip,

My ex boyfriend,

People,

Crowds,

The supermarket,

Hell, even my therapist's office.

Anxiety is strange.

Fear is confusing to me.

I've always said I'm afraid of what I shouldn't be,

But when I should be scared I'm not.

I think the calmest I've been was heading head first into an oncoming car on a motorcycle.

But I panic when a stranger looks at me a second too long.

I can't shower when I'm home alone because I imagine noises into existence and have a panic attack.

I've been close to death 3 times in my life, and have not once been scared of it.

Yet I have anxiety every day about 'normal' things.

I cry if someone knocks on the door.

I panic when I hear footsteps on my apartment building stairs.

My nightmares keep me up at night.

I don't think it's death I'm afraid of...

I think it's life.