I Live Here, Too!

Once the days were full of life, sunshine filled the skies. A love that seemed real, to good to be true. Walks in the park- hand in hand, days of laughter, fun and joy. A dream that had bliss and days, without you I'd miss. All the playful kisses and hugs just because. Pinch me, please I'm blinded by love.

Two years, we moved in together. Nothing was such joy anymore. An attitude came alive and the demands continued at surprise. Day by day, something had me confused the words, joined with anger. When nothing was wrong, you had a reason it was never right.

And the mask revealed- A barking voice upset. I was talking with the neighbor. He was just home from work. A loud, voice “I am in the house”. Looking away, then finishing conversation I came in the house. What seemed like ten minutes of lecture of degrading words, insults, and a glare of blood shot eyes. I never seen before. His anger took me by surprise as my heart broke in pieces. The rage was by nature not by no fault of mine. I had been home two hours before, dinner was ready, house was clean. A glance his way and a power punch to my jaw. Grabbing my hair, pushing me to the floor.

My mind went blank, eyes filled with tears, my heart said “run away”. I couldn’t understand why. No reason as where that punch came from. I couldn’t acknowledge how someone you love can hurt you and feel no remorse. I could barely breathe through the insults, truth in reality all by surprise. Was it really a bad day for him? Or was this real? Is this what love supposed to be? The hard work put in to build a home. I didn’t understand. Never had anyone hit me before. In that moment confusion of what to do became a blank. Shocked I was broken, shredded and embarrassed. But it was at no fault of mine. I couldn’t or didn’t fight back. How could you hit someone you love? My tears covered my face a sad and disbelief look. I couldn’t say a word, as I got up from the floor. I heard the words “what you crying for”? go wash your face, that’s not even called for.

Looking in the mirror my tears were real, my face was beginning to bruise. My body trembled as the pain deepen. What was I to do? I washed my face over and over. Then in the mirror he stood behind me. Terrified, he put his arms around me, I was sickened. Saying he was sorry, my heart began to rage, my body felt like a freight train ready to depart. But I held in the anger, not saying anything at all. The I’m sorry and I love you wasn’t real. It was guilt that he had within himself. I didn’t even look at him. I dismissed everything being said.

Drying my face, damn it I live here too. I am not going to be abused because your to damn dumb to understand your own problems. The evening was quiet, as Silence filled the apartment. I could only hear my heart beat and tears that were held back. Rapid breathing was calming, my body was blank. As I closed my eyes and some point fell asleep.

“Bitch get up”. You don’t do anything to be tired. Blanket thrown off the bed, hands locked around my ankles. Pulled out of bed and landed on the bedroom floor. My head was jerked in every direction as he had a headful of hair gripped in his hand. As the other hand fisted punching me over and over. I had to of stopped breathing. Being chocked by a cold soaked wash rag held against my face. I couldn’t breathe, stars of many was visional but words were barely heard. A trembling body, in shock. “Bitch get up”. I need some pussy. Unable to move, blood covered my face and night gown. This had to be a dream. This can not be real. His presence made me uneasy, being intimate was not pleasure. Everything changed with a blink of an eye. I lied to my family, because I was embarrassed. A feeling of failure even though it was no fault of my own. I didn’t know how to feel, think, or speak. Everything became about him, praise him for everything I made him. My credit new cars, but his bragging rights. At times, I was embarrassed. We both had excellent paying jobs. We bought whatever we wanted and traveled multiple times a year to his hometown. His mental health was very unpredictable. Late nights, became all night with his ex. Her and I talked on many occasions. Honestly, I believed she was unstable to stay with him as long as she did. Then I became her, all the things she warned me about, were true. Lies, cheating, degrading, abuse, drinking, I was going through them all. Controlling, demands, everyone he attempted to take out of my life. Soon I had to fight back. The save my life moments to get to the front door were at times an hour. That hour seemed like days. To scream, fight, and cry. So damn scared, fighting a man is exhausting. Very exhausting. Then finally, without thinking make a run for the door. One little mistake and it was hell. That open door was safe in my eyes. Someone always called the police. Beat up and a mental mess combined- embarrassed. Not a single person in the neighborhood cared for him. My family and friends can’t tolerate him or want him around. Do I love him? Not even a slight chance or possibility. Every ounce of his presence is an ugh!

Psychology study of human behavior always fascinated me. Graduating with honors, in 2012 was a feeling of completion. Had I always been a strong, driven women. Insecure was not in my vocabulary. Secure in my own being my heart was filled with love. To help others I was a natural. Respect was never an issue or concern. The world a beautiful creation with positive energy. Negative didn’t even get a ride in the trunk. As this fool is a routine daily drunk.

So the relationship actually gave psychology an in-depth understanding into human behavior.

It was hell to accept the truth and understand, at times. The knowledge has been proven by experience and lived. Its not so easy to walk away. Through the hell and pain each day.

And I keep saying I live here, too. I am not leaving everything I work hard for to you.

One day soon, I will close the door from behind. And my heart and soul will survive, to be free and regain my peaceful of mind.