I Have BPD

i have bpd.

that means that i can be manipulative, but i don't ever mean to be.

that means my emotions drive me crazy. i'm either over the moon or incredibly depressed. rarely am i ever in between.

that means sometimes i am completely manic, and other times i am fine and calm.

that means i feel every single emotion very, very deeply.

that means i have gone through a childhood so traumatic that i've had to repress the memories.

that means sometimes i shut down and dissociate and feel nothing.

that means i say and do things for attention.

that means i love attention, bad or good, and thrive / live off of it.

that means i constantly need validation and reassurance.

that means there are voices in my head that are always arguing and fighting.

that means my moods will vary hourly, or even by the minute.

that means i'm terrified of confrontation and arguments and fights.

that means that sometimes i'll think i'm an amazing person, then another time i'll think that i'm the worst living being ever.

that means i'll put some people on a pedestal, like they're gods or my idols.

that means i'll hate some people with a burning passion, but only after they hurt me enough.

that means i do things to hurt myself on purpose. i'm self-destructive.

that means i'm very impulsive, especially when i'm really upset.

that means there are voices in my head that lie to me all the time. they tell me that my friends hate me, that my girlfriend hates me, that my family hates me. they tell me that i'm worthless, nothing special, unlovable.

that means i feel love for others far too much, more than others feel for me.

that means i have a fear of being abandoned and i'll do anything to keep from that happening.

that means i'll shut some people out and refuse to talk to them.

that means i have this need to be extraordinary and special, and i'll do anything to be so. but it makes me incredibly upset when i'm not.

that means sometimes words aren't enough for me. i need actions.

that means i isolate myself because i'm convinced that i don't deserve friends.

that means i fantasize about being hurt so bad that i have to be in the hospital, so that i get special attention.

that means i don't feel like a real person sometimes. i feel like nothing but a skin sack filled with flaws and annoyances.

that means i rarely go to people when i'm upset because i don't want to be a burden, or i'm convinced that no one cares.

that means i need to be distracted when i'm upset and feeling impulsive. i need an animal to cuddle or to be spoken to about something i'm interested in.

that means i'll overreact all the time, but i think it's justified because my emotions are always so strong.

that means that one moment i'll be social and loving life, then another moment i'll be suicidal and want to be alone.

that means i struggle with my identity. i don't know who i am or what i want or how i work or anything like that.

please understand that i suffer from borderline personality disorder. if you have any questions, please ask me. don't believe in the stigma surrounding bpd. i have bpd, but that is not who i am.