I hate you

I hate you.

I detest the flutter in my chest

caused by boyish laughter,

loathe how your voice soothes

the tempest of tainted thoughts

lulling me back to peace of mind,

recoil at the overwhelming

comfort and acknowledgement

that spills from heart-shaped lips,

and abhor the rays of your smile

so contagious that I can’t help

but smile back…

Why must it be your hands

that pull me from drowning in

the darkest depths of myself?

I hate how you’re the reason my heart breaks

yet you are the only one able to fix it.

And what I hate most is how

you're there but aren't.

Through the lowest of lows

you were there yet in my highs

I look for you, to be reminded that

we cannot bask in the glow together.

I despise myself for growing dependent…

How I created this version of you built from

bits and pieces found in the little things,

but I do not know you in the way that I crave to.

You are captivated by the stars

yet I am enamored by you.

Is it wrong to want to be special

to you, like you are to me?

… okay,

so I love you,

but I’ll say it’s “hate”

because my heart can’t

handle the repercussions

of having faith in what I know

is nothing more than a fairytale.