i dont wanna speak

I'm shaky,

Like my heart is constantly aching,

I try and try but I feel as though I will never survive,

Time after time I wish I could die,

But, people say they need me,

I don't want to speak,

For every time I try it gets harder and harder to say what I'm feeling,

I've lost to much,

And gained so much,

But still my heart is breaking,

I don't want to speak any more,

I don't want to try and show how I feel inside,

Cause even my heart feels shamely,

I don't want to talk,

I don't want to speak,

All of these feelings just keep making me weak,

No matter how hard I try I still feel dead inside,

My heart is for ever breaking.

I want to love and feel loved too,

But as time goes by the pain that's inside,

Seems to over take what is true.

I have to hide,

In order to survive,

Never to know what is true,

When I speak it comes out wrong and writing seems to be the only way I can communicate.

But the more I try to express what's inside the more I become confused,

I want it to stop for the pain to subside,

To wish to not have to hide the pain that's inside

I'd rather have my bones be breaking then dealing with the termoil of my mind,

No one understand that even I don't get how to deal with what is going on.

The more I talk the farther I walk into the seclusion of my mind,

The harder I try the more frustrated that I feel inside that no one can see that this is all still hurting me.

I'm getting tired of trying of the feeling of dying.

And no longer wanting to be alive.

I'm tired of the aching the constantly shaking.

The feeling of fear that I may not survive,

My emotions wreck havoc

But no one can stand it,

And I feel like I have no one on my side,

An inconvinience I am and I feel like a sham that has been left to dry,

I'm tired of talking cause all it feels like is I'm walking to a fate where I'm no longer alive,

I can't express what truly hurts cause no one will understand no matter how hard they try.

I'm tired of the arguing,

The constant fighting,

I no longer wish to try,

Talking goes no where

For I can't get out.

What I wish to most inside.

Emotions being bottled

To long have I swallowed,

Am I dead or alive?

I don't want to wallow but I have no one to follow,

I'm a pet who never feels at home,

Constantly gaurded and wanting to be pardoned,

But no one seems to show,

An ounce of interest ,

Only to sit and bare witness,

To this mad and crazy show.

I don't want to speak any more it seems to get me no where any more,

I know things will never be the same

I just want to stop aching,

And feeling my heart breaking every day when I'm at home.

I wanted so much but can't seem to trust,

When I'm in this darkened hole.

I'm tired of aching and constantly shaking,

Maybe it's better if I don't speak any more.

Nothing comes out right,

And I constantly feel like I want to fly away and go.

I'm sick of not understanding,

And no matter how long I have been planning,

I still can't seem to find home.

I'm not afraid of commiting,

But tired of loosing to many pieces of my soul.

Every one I meet and every person I greet,

Whether they know it or not,

Takes a part of me home.

I've lost to much but it's still not enough,

How much longer should I bare,

To protective just doesn't seem effective when people seem to not have a care,

I feel lost and alone,

And even though there are those that love me,

I wish to go home.

My heart hurts to much to continue on

But I don't have it in me to send my self on

So I'll sit in silences,

Wishing for guidence even though no one is home.

My mind is gone but I still carry on,

Trying to show that every one is love,

In one way or another but I still feel alone.

No matter the faces or heavenly Grace's I just don't know,

How much more I can take before my heart finally breaks,

So I will learn to not speak any more.

Talking is complaining and to much belly aching,

Will turn many away,

So in silence I'll still and maybe I'll be missed when the days grow old.

Maybe my voice will be missed like a last first kiss,

But I don't want to talk any more....