I Don't Understand Anger

I don't understand the purpose of anger. Maybe that's because no one showed me healthy ways of expressing it. It's the only feeling I ever saw my father express, regularly. never saw him, sad, anxious, happiness was certainly rare. But anger was on display. I now understand that he never started out angry. Frustration builds. He never felt listened to by his family. He worked hard to provide and all he ever got was bills and coming home to a tense environment. I didn't know that my mother fell out of love with my father before I was even born. But knowing what I know now about the pervasiveness of trauma. I can't even be mad about how my dad acted. He didn't grow up with anyone telling him expressing emotions is a healthy human thing. Feeling your feelings was just a bad thing if you are a man. So, of course when he realized he wasn't even going to get support from his wife and he couldn't burden his children with his day to day turmoil. He buried every feeling he had until the only thing that came out was anger.

Since then I avoid feeling angry like a smart person avoids a plague. I stopped doing things I wasn't immediately good at as a child because I got frustrated so easily and frustration leads to anger. If I knew as a child that I had ADHD and Autism maybe I would have understood why I was so easily frustrated by so many things. Instead I had no clue why I was so easily overwhelmed by my surroundings. And I wasn't taught to talk about my feelings. So, I buried everything too. But I was worse than my dad. I never let anyone see the anger at all. I thought if people saw me angry all the time they would be scared away. Then I thought, I can just avoid everything that makes me mad. I haven't played videogames in over a decade because they take hand-eye coordination that I do not have and I am incredibly competitive for someone who never does one thing enough to get good at it. You can imagine how easy it is to avoid every little thing that might make a person angry. It's impossible. Life tests us every day.

So, yeah, I still get angry, I am just wiser than I was when I was a perpetually anxious 10 year old. I learned ways of channeling my feelings that allowed me to get the anger out before I take it out on people I care about. I also just learned to communicate my feelings sooner and more honestly. Over time, I actually have started to feel less angry. Most people I know consider me pretty chill at this point. Because I learned that ADHD also helps me go with the flow. I decided no matter the situation I find myself in, there is either a solution and I will find it or the damage is done and I have to accept that reality and work within my new boundaries. I am happy with how far I have got in life since adopting this philosophy.

Anger is confusion that you haven't dealt with yet. Anger is sadness no one paid attention to. Anger is frustration at feeling trapped. Anger is not inherently evil. it is always another feeling that has been corrupted by feeling ignored. As long as I understand myself and the possibilities open to me, anger won't hurt me or the people around me.