I don't know how to live in public!

I told you years ago that I was going crazy.

Or wrote about it, I don't remember!

I think I've become more and more forgetful, and I think I'm doing the best thing.

Because it couldn't hurt me that easily!

Sometimes I feel like a tree, I am somewhere, I am breathing, I am thinking, I am talking to myself, but I feel like no one can hear my voice, in fact I am begging God to let someone hear my voice. I know very well that I will never understand why I am a slave to such an endeavour.

I am dreaming far away in vague thoughts, I know that I swear every time, shortly after I say I will never dream again, I become the protagonist of a new dream and then I say "why".

God, why me?

I can't do this job, God, I don't know how to live among these people, I'm like running a marathon with obstacles between the words, I can't be the last every time, but God, pity me too!

How many times I wanted to go away from myself, I managed to go away from everywhere I wanted to go, but I couldn't go away from myself, didn't this hurt me the most?

I don't know how many seasons and episodes of this film in which I'm trying to understand myself, what I don't know is increasing day by day, it's like I've embraced a new defeat, don't tell me that every defeat is a new beginning, I've had enough of defeats, so what's wrong with you?

I say people, God, people don't understand me, I don't understand them either, I don't want them to worship me, I just want them to understand me, let them say yes you made a sacrifice but we were stupid, let them say we don't deserve you, let them say we were crooked when you were right, let them say you need to be in better places, or let them say nothing, God, let them leave me to me, if they are going to say something to me, let them say "You don't deserve this life, you are too much for this world".

I am waiting for the day of the trial where I will be tried for aiding and abetting the thoughts that do not fit in me nor in the whole universe, I have not made any defence preparation, all I want to say is; "What did I do to deserve these?"

Yes, I have certain sins like every human being, God, but I only harmed myself, I didn't do anything to anyone, whereas I wanted everyone around me to be happy, I can't be happy, because happiness is one size too big for me, I kept trying to make everyone happy, I couldn't make anyone believe that I was reliable, At last the voice inside me went crazy, that's what was going to happen God, what will happen if one day this madness will hit me outside, I ask God, I ask, how will the whole universe accept this madman, how will humanity, which does not accept me when I am sane, accept me in a crazy state?

Those endless idiotic questions ring in my ears like the most relentless melody!!!

Hundreds of thousands of questions, starting with who am I, why didn't you understand me, O humanity?

Here we go again;

I am like a cowardly soldier who has lost all his comrades-in-arms during the world war and who has already surrendered and is willing to tell everything he knows and doesn't know, I am a prisoner of the universe, I am like a puppet of people, I am being deceived...

Do you know what it is to be deceived? You don't know, you don't know, you don't know, only those who knowingly give the opportunity to the people in front of them know it, so I know it, as I know all the things you don't know and I don't know anything, I know it best.

God, isn't it beautiful that we were deceived again, as if I didn't realise it and they were cunning.

Immediately after a long silence, he put the cigarette in my hand again, questions gnawing at my mind, then I stopped and grabbed the collar of the madman in me; "What the hell is wrong with you? You made yourself crazy, is it my turn now? What do you want from me?" I shouted to myself in the silhouette of the devil I saw in your pupils.

I think he was right, I started to run away from people more and more day by day, my escapes do not end, my God, I do not know how far this evasive life will go and I am adding a new one to what I do not know.

Of course, one day this will happen and when I open my eyes to a new day, I will not remember any of this, first of all my name, then who I am, where I come from and where I'm going, all my goals and objectives, and this time I will really question unconsciously, as a complete madman.