I Am

I am not weak.

I am twice a survivor of post natal depression after one particularly traumatic birth,

My own sexual molestation in a foreign country,

The daughter of a mother who is an incest survivor:

who had acute eating disorders while I was growing up culminating in a failed suicide attempt, but now she is thriving

The daughter of a father who survived a knife attack at the hands of his schizophrenic brother

I am no stranger to trauma.

A brother who has been in jail for white collar crime and a sister who is now separated from her narcissistic, emotionally abusive ex-husband.

I have withheld the alluring call of extra marital affairs in my marriage from men who belonged to other cultures and religious tenets and were conveniently more exotic and yet slightly out of reach.

I am a mother.

I am a survivor Of my own suicidal ideation from the age of 19, wishing to drown myself in the ocean, or then maybe the bath.

I’ve travelled alone through parts of India and Nepal that could have seen me raped or murdered more than once at night, in a car, on a bridge with two men.

I’ve walked the streets of London and Paris alone at 3 am in clothes I found at the top of the staircase of my uncles apartment building because he hadn’t left the key and I’d been travelling on a train so long I smelt of urine.

I’ve had mental health issues and bipolar diagnoses and known I was different because I couldn’t hold a job.

And yet I am a high functioning member of society able to drive and shop and cook and take care of my children and have empathetic friendships and a marriage of 8 years and counting.

You cannot threaten me with allegations of stupidity or neuroses, because I have let go of vanity. I do not define myself by the weight of my body, the shape of my eyebrows or the colour of my hair.

I am no longer a member of ‘society’. In fact I never was.

I am empty of expectation and therefor more powerful as an agent of change than any political opponent.

I am freedom. I am spaciousness.

Actually.

I just AM.