I

I need to take a shower

And change these two day clothes

I need to put pen to paper

But there's alot that i don’t know

And life has had its hand on my neck

Since the day that i was born

This isn’t supposed to be the way it is

This isn’t supposed to be anyone’s norm

I’ve been down more than i’ve been up

At least that’s the way it feels

I am shattered and torn

My heart is segregated parts

None of them match

I never know where I'm supposed to start

My reality is my parent was a mental case and loser

Who destroyed my life before i was even born

She tried to kill me but I wouldn’t die

So I tried to kill myself once or twice

I felt the fire of hell rise under me

And saw the light of angels all around

But when i opened my mouth for help

There was a silence much louder than sound

I bit my tongue and cracked my teeth

The words were like pebbles in my mouth

The truth was like a poison for them

It forced me to spew them onto the ground

I didn’t want to be alone

But it all left me no choice

There is no respite for a soul

Given very little voice

Because no one wants watery truth

I was lost, i did not want to be found

But my body is just one big lie

I fight against my own mind, but I try

I often feel like I’ve already lost

And it tears out pieces of my soul

It's like a horror scene and I’m screaming

But there is no one coming, no hero

I always feel like i want to give up

Then things turn around for the better

But i soon find it doesn’t matter

Cause it just goes back to being a nightmare

And they keep saying cheer up

And it’ll all be alright

Sink or swim and fight or flight

Never give up the good fight

But fuck the stickers and all the cliche

Sometimes i just want to scream

Sometimes i feel like I'm losing my mind

And like I'm speaking with nothing real to say

And the darkness closes in so hard

It feels like a war cry saying come get her

Like i can see the dark of its wings

As it closes in from above me

I fight to turn on my inner light

But it throws a cage around me and i can’t see

Like I'm covered in every mistake I’ve made

And people can see my heart stop beating

Instead of crying out for help, I hang my head in shame

I can’t see because the droplets dry on my eyes

I feel clouded and like everything I can see is a lie

What I can see it seems is able to fool me

It poses as something good

But when I turn around to face it

My smile fades cause it was just evil under a hood

Underneath the facade

It wasn’t an angel

So I cried out to God

And He answered as he always does

And my laughter felt like it shook me

But the tears came again and i crashed so hard

I didn’t think I would ever be free

The shackles criss and cross me

They bind and they tie

And i feel like I’ve done something wrong

Like in a past life

I committed some echoing wrong

Like for me there is no time

My mom was supposed to wrap me in love

All she gave me was spoonfuls of hate

She hated me for all that i was

She didn’t want my life to be anything great

My dad ran out before i had a chance

So now i feel like i have something to prove

Where was he when they were hurting me

He didn’t even look down on me

When i was even too small to move

Run after him and beg him to stay

So much out of my control

So much i always have to say

He didn’t even give me a chance

A dad is supposed to be your champion

Teach you the right way to be treated

I was so young to be so defeated

I've tattooed my pain upon my irises

So all can see if they choose to look

But who wants to see the dark that has hurt

Who wants to face stained pages in a tattered book

I've bled and I've cried

And I've faced the darkness alone

I've wailed to the heavens and stomped hell’s ground

But what comes of a soul tortured

Except a deceptive and confining cloud

And i run my hands through my hair

My own touch so i don’t feel so alone

My thoughts go to all i want from life

But the plants don’t match the seeds I've sown

I pull a blanket around me

It's made of the comfort I've been given

But it only tightens around my arms

And i feel like any moment it’ll consume

The fire that comes from my eyes

It burns away the dark

I imagine archangels with swords

Defending and guiding me

Because it doesn’t matter

It doesn’t matter how much I’ve died

It doesn’t matter how much I’ve cried

It doesn’t matter who’s hunted me

Or tried to keep me down

I will rise

I am a forest fire in a field of water

Sometimes i burst into fire and ash

But sometimes i am fluid and flame

Making my enemies remember this name

People fear my tenacity

They fear the ambition in my soul

They know if they hurt me a thousand times

I will rise despite their conjured cajole

They know that I've been down

So much it constantly rains

They know i shouldn’t be on my feet

But if i have to crawl and claw to get there

I will not only taste the agony of defeat

I will rise.

People fear a stone heart

Not because it doesn’t pump and circulate

But because though it is hardened it still can

That makes them nervous and run away

Because it shows the strength of my hands

Beause no matter what, i will rise.

I will face the blank pages

And those who don’t believe in me

I will face those who hate

And those whose hate covers me

I will stare into the abyss

And feel it stare back at me

Instead of doing what everyone else does

I will jump in and not let it conquer me

I will let it try to burn my soul

But God has my back

He always has

At least that is what I’m told

So I’ll choose to believe

I’ll choose to carry on

And when it’s my time to go

I won’t, I’ll just rise above

Simply because i will rise.

No more cries

No more laughter

No more tears

It doesn’t matter those fears

Because I will always rise.