hyper-focused and overwhelmed

I find myself running everywhere but into my own arms and I'm getting sick and tired of my own rejection.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT, WHAT DO YOU WANT. I scream at myself in the mirror just like that one cheesy romance scene in that movie what is it, 500 days of summer? who knows, I never watched romance movies unless it was going to end in a tragedy the same way it started and maybe that's why I don't love myself.

actually, I don't love myself because in high school I took down all my mirrors and refused to look up and into one for years because I couldn't stand the way I looked and the body I had to carry.

now I stare at myself in different mirrors thinking about how I have a very punchable face when I'm looking at the past, thinking about that temptation to ram my fist right through each memory the minute I meet eyes with myself shatter the mirror into pieces since that's the only way I see myself...broken.

looking through the broken glass trying to apologize to myself once more, because only my forgiveness can clean the blood off my hands, I find myself having to pick up the pieces way more often than I find myself piecing it all together.

I ask 'what if' way more often than I ask myself 'what now.' I realize at one point it wasn't that I was fearful of anything, it was that I felt unworthy of everything calling to me. As if there was no turning back from what I had already been, everything I had already done. My forgiveness washes the blood on my hands but my regret acts like a black light highlighting every blood drop that I thought I had washed off.

a shovel in my hands I dig my own grave rather than burying my actions and my past. I lay star gazing in my grave picking bugs out of the dirt and asking them to make a home out of my body.

the funny thing is even if I think that my chances of living are slim, divine feminine seems to have a divine intervention and pulls me up out of the grave and into the stars instead.

Do you know why they call it divine intervention? because all the gods and goddesses have to gather together in one big room with source to discuss how to throw you back your life when you've thrown it away way before it was due.

when they send it back it comes in waves of birds followed by a loud voice that says come with me but not today.

meaning, they know I don't want this body but I guess I have no choice,

meaning thank you for the offer but you are not the sacrifice,

meaning my life is not a sacrifice it is an offering,

meaning there's something more to this soul I am already carrying, they say if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you it was always yours, so if this soul returned to me through divine intervention it must mean...

it must mean I actually do love myself.